Trying to escape from his criminal past, a neurotic fixer must cover up his connection to a recently discovered stash of body parts, all while battling his own grisly hallucinations.

inanimateobject Penpusher Asked on October 29, 2015 in Crime.
Add Comment
3 Review(s)

The structure of a logline should ideally imitate the structure of the plot in the resulting script – inciting incident, main character + flaw then goal. Try re-positioning the discovery of the body parts at the beginning of the logline  then define the MC and describe his goal.

The line about trying to escape from his criminal past can be cut because it doesn’t contribute to a better understanding of the plot all it does it describe the MC as remorseful perhaps just change it to that and let the reader understand what you mean.

Secondly best to define him better tan fixer because it is a slang type description that may be miss understood by some. Most importantly of all though, the logline needs a clear goal for the MC, how does the audience know beyond a doubt that he has covered up his connection to the body parts? What is the obvious visual that will tell the audience just that? Also how will the audience know he has changed as a person?

E.g:
After the discovery of his most recent victims a remorseful mafia henchman must incriminate the mob boss to prevent any further deaths.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on October 29, 2015.

Thanks for the heads up, I’ll definitely reorder it to make the structure clearer.

I get what you mean about slang – I was struggling to find the right term. I guess technically the more accurate term for his character would be “cleaner”, though that just puts in my mind someone armed with detergents. Fixer was the best one I could come up with while keeping it down to one word – maybe “crime scene cleaner” or “body disposer” would work, but it doesn’t quite convey the criminal aspect of his job, and it’s a little unwieldy.

The main thing is that he’s not a hitman or anything – he’s literally just the person in charge of disposing of bodies, and the place he’d spent years hiding them has just been discovered. As such, he’s going to be the first person connected to them if the investigation finds any evidence.

Thanks to pointing out the visual component to his goal, that’s certainly something I need to work on. In terms of hiding his role in it, I was planning on having it so that there isn’t necessarily much evidence linking him to the scene, but the main tension is structured around how his paranoia slowly gets to him and he starts to lose his sanity, and begins leaving even more incriminating evidence in his attempts.

Based on what you’ve said, I’m thinking of changing it to”After the discovery of a stash of human parts, a guilt-ridden body disposal expert struggles to keep his sanity during the ensuing investigation”, but I recognise that it still needs more work.

Thanks for your feedback, I certainly appreciate it!

on October 29, 2015.
Add Comment

Well, his character flaw is obvious enough: he’s so careless  that body parts are not only discovered — but traced back to him.

One problem I have with the premise is the issue of emotional investment:  why should I care about what happens to him?- How can I care?  He’s not legally or morally absolved: he’s an accessory to the murders.

I might care for him if he’s not just trying to escape, not get caught for his bad deeds — but he’s trying to redeem himself.   But how?  How can he right the wrongs he has been an accessory to, an enabler of?  It seems to me he’s got to be battling more than hallucinations?  What about his conscience?

fwiw

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 30, 2015.
Add Comment

I like the main character, but I think there is a lack of logic: how can the fixer fail? is this his first mission maybe? or someone is setting him up?
Is the fixer a perfectionist, so why does he fail? Is the fixer a clown, so why mafia hired him?

FFF Mentor Reviewed on November 1, 2015.
Add Comment

Your Review

By posting your review, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.