When a Fire-Demon from his parents past kidnaps his fiancé, a timid hydrologist must locate a mythical artefact and uncover its power before the Devil kills his lover and unborn child.

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Horn of the Leviathan

Andrew Bates Penpusher Asked on November 21, 2012 in Public.
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5 Review(s)
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The logline need not mention either the parents or the Devil (Satan?) unless they add dramatic tension to the pitch (which they don’t here). Keep the logline taut by just mentioning the conflict between the hydrologist and the Fire Demon. (Nice contrast between the elements of water and fire here, by the way.) So, to revise: The Fire Demon has kidnapped the fiance and intends to kill her. The hydrologist has got to get the artefact to rescue her. Simple, dramatic, high stakes – that’s what execs want to read!

Steven Fernandez (Judge)

Default Reviewed on November 23, 2012.
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Revised:

“When a Fire-Demon from his past kidnaps his fiancé, a timid hydrologist must locate a mythical artefact and uncover its power before the Devil kills his lover and unborn child

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on September 24, 2012.
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Still doesn’t seem right…

The Demon is from his past (killed his parents)

When a Fire-Demon kidnaps his fiance, a timid hydrologist must locate a mythical artifact and uncover it’s power before the Devil kills his lover and unborn child.

When a timid hydrologist’s fiance is kidnapped and held ransom, he must locate a mythical artifact and uncover it’s power before the Devil kills his lover and unborn child.

any suggestions?

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on September 25, 2012.
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Structurally, you’ve got a lot of interesting pieces here with high stakes and irony. I’d lead with the main character and his flaw, then his problem, then what he’s going to do about it.

In terms of story, I feel like the world’s chock full of mythical artefacts to save the day. Can I make the suggestion that instead of finding some ancient being’s Sceptre of Highly Specific Use, he has to instead find the plans, then build the device? That could also be a complication in a story of finding the device but discovering it no longer functions. Also, making your antagonist’s weakness (water) your protagonist’s strength (hydrology) tips the scales a little too far in his favour and makes it an obvious win. If anything it should be the other way round, with the antagonist’s strength being your protagonist’s weakness, which he must then overcome to succeed.

Alice Has Glass Eyes Default Reviewed on September 25, 2012.
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Hi Alice
My original logline had the protagonist as a janitor who had a fear of water, his fear in turns to be his greatest weapon at the end of his story. But being a Janitor and phobia of water didn’t work out great as Janitor’s use water in every day use.

I like the idea of “building the device” But I’m not sure that’s the path I want this story to take.
Long story short, there is a hidden power inside the artifact, a power that his mother once possessed.

I think I’ll work with the logline a bit more and go along with the phobia of water, his occupation will obviously change.

Thanks for the feedback.

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on September 25, 2012.
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