When a group of aspiring screenwriters join a workshop held in an isolated country house, they find themselves prisoners of a perverse guru and they must write a perfect script or face torture and death.
Is there a hero? Maybe mention him/her, instead of the group. I’m not sure why the perverse guru wants to do this. Why?
Just a couple of word choice things: Change “found” to ‘find”, to keep it all present tense. Change “join” to “attend” to keep it more proactive.
Good luck. Sounds like an interesting story!
My take: “Misery” meets “The Never Ending Story” meets “Inception” whose story is this? Is the perverse guru really in control or is this the Script/story of one of the aspiring screenwriters? Are we talking about a story in a story? And who is this (evil?) aspiring screenwriter.
PS: “found” becomes “find”.
Not sure why it’s in past tense; if that’s just a typo or you intended it. Either way, you should know better.
As for the logline, I’ve never understood why so many people try the form of “When this happens, protagonist must do this.” Unnecessary setup. Cut it down to the absolute basic information, like:
“A group of aspiring screenwriters must write a perfect script to avoid torture and death at the hands of a perverse guru.”
Protagonist, goal, antagonist, obstacle. At this point, everything else is superfluous. As long as I understand what the story is mainly about, I don’t need to know anything more. It should make me WANT to know more, but not having to ask because I don’t understand it yet. It should be enticing, not confusing. Make me ask you for a summary, or synopsis, or the entire script, by making me interested to know more. Save the additional details for the next step.
Hello, I like your rewriting, it’s clearly better. As a logline to attach to a finished script, that would be my take.
In my case I use the logline to detect story/structure problems before writing the script and it is useful to use the formula “when this happens, protagonist must do this” – the “when” part is the inciting event, what puts the story in motion.
1st act, writers exits their ordinary life to join the workshop;
2nd act, they discover the violent reality of the workshop, they face many ordeals,
3rd act: leave the workshop.
The isolated country house is there to establish the setting. Maybe it’s a useless detail.
There will be a main character, the one who will be able to leave the workshop alive at the end (maybe with his love). I’m not sure that in this specific case it would be better to write the logline mentioning the main character. I will think about it.