When a jealous mother asks her 10 years old geek son to spy on his father,he finds him dating his new teacher and decides to break up the relationship by foiling their every move to save his family from disintegrating.

Our Father Who Art In LA

 

1. When a jealous mother asks her 10 years old geek son to spy on his father,he finds him dating his new teacher.Reluctant to inform her about it,he decides to break up the relationship by foiling their every move and saves his family from disintegrating.

 

2.When a jealous mother asks her 10 years old geek son to spy on his father,he finds him dating his new teacher and decides to break up the relationship by foiling their every move to save his family from disintegrating.

 

Please I’ve got two BUT I need to choose one. Help me if you have other ideas.I got a help here from I think FFF.

hihello8484 Logliner Asked on September 7, 2015 in Public.
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6 Review(s)

it’s good, but i think it can be way shorter.  “a ten year old boy sets out to break up his father’s affair before mom finds out.”

seanamulvihill Logliner Reviewed on December 7, 2015.
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When a boy discovers the father he idolizes is having an affair with his favorite teacher, he plots to break it up in a way that saves his parent’s marriage and his teacher’s job. (34 words)

Notes:
I don’t see that it’s essential to the logline to give his age. “Boy” suggests he’s young, a preteen, good enough.

Nor do I think that the teacher being “new” essential to the logline; it seems to me to be extraneous to both the logline and the story. I suggest that it would be better to say the teacher is the boy’s “favorite”. Combined with a father whom he idolizes it would maximize the emotional shock and dilemma the boy faces when he discovers the affair. It would intensify the difficulty of his task; his objective goal is an [unrealistic] two-fer.

fwiw.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on September 7, 2015.
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Adjust the wording to imply an immediate need as a result of a significant inciting incident. Also I agree with the idea that a stronger emotional stake would heighten the experience.

The woman’s job and position is unrelated to the plot and adds unnecessary descriptions to the logline. The crucial plot point is the discovery of the affair regardless what the person does for a living.

Lastly the mother asking him to spy on the father is less significant and out of the ordinary than him discovering the affair. This makes the discovery of the affair the inciting incident and mentioning the circumstances under which the discovery was made redundant in the logline.
Best to delegate the explanation of this to the synopsis.

My try:
After a geeky boy discovers his father, whom he idolizes, is having an affair he must break up the relationship to save his family.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on September 7, 2015.
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Thanks brothers for your comments.

hihello8484 Logliner Reviewed on September 8, 2015.
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If you want to keep the mum as a motivation.

Spying for his mum a ten year old discover dads affair with his teacher and sets out the ruin the romance instead of telling mum.

CraigDGriffiths Mentor Reviewed on September 9, 2015.
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