When a meek electrical engineer is recruited for an audacious heist, he must gain the trust of the gorgeous sociopath head of security, to exact revenge on the corporation that stole his ideas and his spirit.
Sounds a bit like “Tower Heist”. Your protag’s submissiveness is probably not the big character arc in the story, so I wouldn’t highlight that trait. I would think the “vengeful” factor might be more intriguing and exciting. Written this way, it sound as if the main plot of the story is the gaining of the trust, instead of the heist or revenge element(s).
Just my impression…
Thanks for the feedback guys. It seems the logline isn’t quite getting the message across. Or it is and the message is no good.
The protag’s submisiveness is pretty much his main arc. Maybe more of a lack of courage to act. Until he ends up in too deep to go back and must push on. While the vengeance is the driving force to get him into such a predicament.
And yes, the gaining of trust is the main issue. Well it’s the bulk of act 2 anyway. With the grand heist being act 3. But smaller mini-heists along the way.
I like to think of it as The Italian Job meets Silence of the Lambs. So he must gain the trust of the psychopath character, in order to get the information he needs. Just like Clarice needs Hannibal to catch Buffalo Bill. Except, in this case, she’s hot and so it’s even more complicated if he falls for her.
The location is reasonably interesting, but not at all important enough to go in the logline. The main drama is the meek, not so good with the ladies guy being forced to interact with this gorgeous but totally deadly woman.
Any suggestions on how I really emphasize that?
Personally, I don’t associate “sociopaths” with robberies. I know they exist, but to describe someone as a sociopath, you are syaing they have no conscience about right or wrong, and don’t care who they hurt, and this is usually reserved for the most violent criminals.
I’m having issues caring about either the protag or the crime itself. Exacting revenge on an entity has that problem. On one hand you are describing a sociopath, on the other, the crime is against a business.
This story may have already been written or outlined, etc. If not, I would heighten the conflict with the engineer by raising his stakes against the right antag, the sociopath. He can “exact revenge” on his former corporate employer in the process.
You may also consider changing the genre. It sounds as if it is written as a crime drama (Lambs), but may be more of a comedy (my most successful screenplay started out as a violent crime drama a la “Pulp Fiction”, and turned into a road comedy).
Imagine Mr. Bean as the engineer. One of the better comedies of this type I’ve seen was “Code Name: The Cleaner” with Cedric The Entertainer.