When a self-centered youth's family is captured by an invading army, he trains as a knight before setting out to rescue them. As the kingdom teeters on the brink of collapse, the fate of both his family and kingdom depend upon a single decision. (Improved – hopefully)
I’m sorry to say that it seems to me that most of what have been said about the old versions still applies.
“When his family is kidnapped by an invading army, a brave boy trains as a knight to rescue them …”.
Then I think you have to make clear what happens. A choice is a matter of 5 seconds, even if it is the choice between family and country, so you can’t even mention it in a logline, where you should tell the main pillars of the plot instead. We see the kidnapping and the goal to rescue the family, the motivation to train as a knight, then the knight go to war and fights, and then? What is the specificity of the war? Try to focus about what happens not about the very last ending.
I wish you the best to improve your logline,
The way the logline positions the plot points now makes the family getting captured the reason he trains as a night. This makes for a clear cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident the main action and the goal.
However at the end of the logline this clarity is taken away when the logline indicates he may not pursue the goal he set out to initially. This is not a change of approach rather a last minute change of goal better to indicate in a logline a single plot which means a single goal.
The dilemma whether to defy the knight’s order he trained in or save his family is not central to the plot it is a minor blimp that will (or should) account for no more than 2 minutes of screen time at most. Or else the story is a different one to the one in the logline.
Hope this helps.
I agree with Nir Shelter. It’s a story plus to have a compelling dilemma. But while the dilemma may be a high point of the story in terms of dramatic tension, it’s a relatively small part of the story in terms of the page/screen time. A logline should sell the sizzle of the overall journey, not a single moment.
Well, there are indeed films where the main character is in a war from beginning to end and at the end we just have the “battle”, which in terms of screenwriting terms is the moment where the hero directly fights the main villain (and we have this kind of battle in so many movies that are not war movies). If your story is not this kind of war movie it’s ok – so maybe the training is what the second act is about. If it’s so, then you should describe a little the training in the logline since the training represents at least half of the movie.