When a struggling actor returns home to run the family’s auto body shop after his father’s death, he’s met with resistance, violence, and illegal activity from the employees and his own family.

jcs Penpusher Asked on December 21, 2015 in Drama.
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The inciting incident is not specified enough and too many obstacles are described in this logline.

If the actor returns home because he is struggling financially, then the inciting incident needs to be a clear indication of this, i.e he gets evicted from his apartment or all his stuff gets repossessed, etc…
But if it is his father’s death that makes him return home, then this needs to be mentioned earlier in the logline.  For example: After his father dies, a struggling actor returns home to run the family business an auto repair shop…

The obstacles seem vague in their descriptions and lack the detail required to make this concept sound interesting. What kind of illegal activity? Who exactly is resisting him? How is the violence being manifested? I suggest you pick one of these and describe it in specific terms in the next draft of the logline.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on December 21, 2015.
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