When a women’s prison workgang is attacked by 19th Century demon possessed, private-school girls, the head prisoner must destroy them to save the new inmate.
People un familiar with Picnic At Hanging Rock may not get the pun name.
The antagonist description is so convoluted it is almost comical, not sure if this was the intention or not though. Either way the antagonists are not immediately clear and require a second if not third read to get and the resulting inciting incident the prisoners being attacked is vague.
Are all the inmates under attack? Are all the inmates in danger? Or just the new inmate?
The MC description is unclear, is there such a thing as a head prisoner? Is this an official role in the prison system to help the prison control the inmates? Or is this an un official pecking order leadership?
The stakes are unclear:
Why must the MC save the new inmate? What will happen if she fails? Why must the MC save only the new inmate and not the rest?
Hope this helps.
No, I imagine that people who have not heard of the film will not get the pun. However, it is pretty well known here, in Europe and in the US where it is a popular school play.
Yes, it is meant to be comical and is a line from the film delivered by one of the prisoners. It can be cut back for the logline though.
It should be clear from the first line that the entire work prison work gang is under attack.
In the WIP (Women in Prison) genre there is often a head prisoner sometimes referred to as the ‘Queen Bee’. I don’t think it’s an official position but it is often recognized by the ‘Sadistic Warden’.
I’m not wanting to overstate it but I want to imply that the ‘Queen Bee’ is saving the ‘New Fish’ because she is hot for her. Maybe if I wrote ‘the young and pretty new inmate’? She doesn’t care about the others.
In that case I find the MC selfish and negative as she will only save the object of her sexual desire. Why would I empathise with her? Or want to see her succeed?
Maybe she needs to lead the gang in a fight against the demonic attackers?
The love or sex interest B plot doesn’t need to be mentioned in the logline in this case.
The description of “…head prisoner…”, regardless the genre conventions, isn’t achieving the desired effect best to change it to something more easily understood. Perhaps something more pragmatic such as the “gang leader” or drop it all together and just specify her as an inmate that leads her fellow prisoners to fight against something.
Definitely trim the antagonist description and specify the nature of their demonic powers. Soul eating demons? Killer demons? What specific danger will the demons present this is not necessary but may help generate more interest if the danger is unique.