When a young girl wakes up in the forest, struggling to remember what brought her there and made her pass out, a friend appears to help her get back home.

Roman Mittermayr Penpusher Asked on November 9, 2015 in Horror.

Whats the threat? Bit vague.

on November 9, 2015.
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2 Review(s)

The genre is horror.  What’s so horrible about a friend appearing to help her get back home?  I’m guessing that the ‘friend’ turns out to be her worst nightmare incarnate.  But I shouldn’t have to guess that. The logline should tell me.  What is the nature of the threat this ‘friend’ poses.  What must she do about it?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 9, 2015.

This logline focuses on the first half of a ten-minute short. The second half of the story pushes into high gear once we’ve found out something specific about that friend and his motivations. I see your point, but I wonder that if I go and describe more of this particular story in the logline, any moment of surprise or mystery will fall flat. Of course, there’s always the generics, like, “a friend appears to help her get back home — or does he?” — but that is so suggestive, I don’t even give the actual reader/viewer a chance to make up their own mind.

All cards on the table, the logline would be:

A young girl falls victim to the savage lust of a trusted friend when a mysterious drug knocks her out and completely wipes her short-term memory.

Probably better suited as a horror-themed logline… but it gives a lot away. The existance of the drug and its specifics are a substantial part of the twist, that’s what drives the last part of the short into another level.

on November 9, 2015.

Hello,
“This logline focuses on the first half of a ten-minute short.” Ok, this is not what a logline is supposed to do.
But you don’t have to spoil the end of the movie or reveal a surprising twist that occurs late in the movie.

In reading your original, incomplete, version, I thought : INTERESTING. Not a wolf, a friend. I liked it a lot. But I felt like it was not a viable logline: promising, a lot, but proving, nothing.
In reading your all cards on the table, I thought: GOOD IDEA, but not a viable logline, too much spoiling. You have a blue print for the movie, now you have to write a logline that combines telling and hiding.
I see two possibilities.
1- adding a misdirecting element, something that APPEARS to be the opponent.
2- focus about what is the first thing that happens in the movie, after the arrival of the friend. Because in your first version there is no conflict, so no movie. What kind of obstacle they face in the way home?

One more thing, add a better description of the 2 characters (including a flow?) Who is this girl? An expert in survival in the nature? or a shy bookeeper? A fashion model back in town for a week end?

I see a potential in your idea, now there is the real work to do to write a good logline.

on November 10, 2015.
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When I read the logline I immediately figured out that her friend was behind of what happened to her. dpg guessed it to. So if that’s your twist then it’s not a very good one.

I also don’t think the drug will be a big surprise either.

That said I think you should go with the second logline that you posted. But I would explain better what the friend does to the young woman. It’s a horror movie so does he torture her? What horrible things does he do to her?

bamgomes Logliner Reviewed on November 9, 2015.
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