When a young woman finds out she is a prototype for factory-made humans she needs to run away from her creators who has decided to erase her due to production errors.

StellaAurora Logliner Asked on October 9, 2015 in SciFi.
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3 Review(s)

Hello,

what put the story in motion? when she learns she’s a robot? She’s a factory-made human? Can you say this in a simple way? This is not clear. The fact that it’s a prototype is not really relevant here.
Or the story starts when she discover that they are planning to terminate her? It seems like the most important thing is that she’ll be killed so the first part becomes useless in the logline. You have to make a decision: is this a movie about a robot/cloned woman who must escape from death or the crysis of her identity? It’s just a matter of choice, to write a clean logline – in the movie she can learn later that she’ll be terminated. What you have to decide is what put the story in motion.

‘young woman’ is vague. I recommend you to spend a few hours more on your logline to define a character. You’ll be able to change it later but when you say ‘a young woman’ you’re a 100% sure that it’s too vague to work.

‘production errors’ is vague.

FFF Mentor Reviewed on October 9, 2015.
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Is this a logline  that belongs in the “Classics” section, for the movie “Ex Machina”?    Please clarify. If it’s not about “Ex Machina” — that’s the problem: the concept is too similar to the movie.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 10, 2015.
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Hello Stella,

I assume that your logline is not about Ex Machina (Ava is not the prototype of an android series) and that your hero could be as well Rachael in Blade Runner than Ava in Ex Machina.

IMO:
– when discovering she’s a prototype is a good inciting in cident, enough to make the story start. She can learn about her fate later in the setup, and the reason why even later.
– “A young woman” is enough. No need of more details about your hero as we also know the most important: she’s the prototype of an android series.
– “production errors” is enough also.

Try something like this :

“When discovering she’s the prototype of an android line, a young woman must escape her creators who decided to erase her due to production defects.”

Best.

Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat Samurai Reviewed on October 13, 2015.
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