When an art fraud investigator receives a package containing a stolen diamond from a man claiming to be her long-lost brother, she discovers that her father masterminded an international diamond heist and then travels to Geneva and underground catacombs in the Siberia wilderness to locate the stolen diamonds and return them to their rightful owner in order to save her father, who she thought was dead, from the consequences

Corridor One

corridorone Penpusher Asked on September 5, 2015 in Public.
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5 Review(s)

i like it, but stick to the essentials:  “a fraud investigator must track down stolen diamonds in siberia in order to save her father’s life”

seanamulvihill Logliner Reviewed on December 7, 2015.
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You have a beginning and an end. What is this ‘journey’? It’s like she gets sent a letter and then she goes on a trip. Yippee-shit, y’know?

What does she actually DO to uncover this link and what happens if she DOES NOT?

Lucius Paisley Logliner Reviewed on September 6, 2015.
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Just clarity I would drop “art” as there isn’t really an art fraud division in the police, it is normally just fraud. Plus the art and diamond seem to have no connection.

Thrust on a journey seems wrong. I would use thrust to demonstrate a start of none stop action “thrust into a fight to the death”. Most journeys are even paced.

Are all these things linked if so, describe how. Does the cryptic glue lead her believe that her family is involved? Why head there, what is she hoping to learn or achieve. Why wouldn’t she just let local authorities handle it? I’ll assume it is looking bad for her family and she hopes to clear their name. As an example.

After receive a package containing a stolen diamond and a cryptic message from her dead brother a fraud detective heads to Siberia to discover the truth and prevent her family from being implicated in an international cold case.

A little wordy but it show direct links between the elements.

I can see what you are trying to achieve but there isn’t enough story to allow me to see what I would be getting.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on September 6, 2015.
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69 words – really? This is more like a short story than a logline, and it’s way too complicated. You have to read it several times to understand what is going on and even then I’m still not sure.

Try and get it down to 35 words MAX and just keep the essentials:

Who is main character (protagonist, hero etc)

What do they want (what must they actively pursue and fight for to achieve their goal? What are the stakes?)

What is stopping them from getting it (What are the obstacles/oppositions in their way?)

typingfilms Penpusher Reviewed on September 6, 2015.
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A fraud investigator must go to Europe and through Siberian catacombs to find out the truth about her father who mastermind an international criminal heist.

corridorone Penpusher Reviewed on September 7, 2015.
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