When an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter exacts his revenge on those responsible, he must rescue an innocent life to destroy a demon from his own mind made flesh.

Borto (Revision #1)

Lucius Paisley Logliner Asked on December 31, 2014 in Public.
Add Comment
8 Review(s)

I don’t see how the event that mutilated the obstetrician brought about the demon, these two elements seam unrelated to each other.

I think best to either drop the demon from the plot and focus on the mutilation of the obstetrician and his revenge. Or begin the story with the demon and make the obstetrician need to fight the demon to save an innocent life.

It seams to me that this should either be a story of revenge set in a science fiction genre or a story of redemption set in a super natural thriller genre not both. Obviously this then presents a choice to be made in the structure with regards to the ethical debate the subject matter raises and requires a clear choice to be made about the stories stance on abortion.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on January 1, 2015.
Add Comment

As Nir Shelter said. This version of the logline is more compact, but… it contains 3 objective goals: revenge X, rescue Y, and destroy Z. Which one is the most important? Which one drives the entire story?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on January 2, 2015.
Add Comment

Seeing as I wanted to go the supernatural route anyway, I’ve come up with the following, which has been “worded up” for purposes of flow or whatever you wish to call it… –

‘Discovering his patients are being murdered in attacks on abortion clinics, an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter must stop the killer to save his now pregnant daughter.’

I figure if I want to go with redemption, make the ‘innocent life’ closer to the main character emotionally…

Lucius Paisley Logliner Reviewed on January 3, 2015.
Add Comment

As “rescue Y” is a result of “destroy Z”, I think I’ve managed to straighten it out a little.

Either see new response above, or look below…

‘Discovering his patients are being murdered in attacks on abortion clinics, an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter must stop the killer to save his now pregnant daughter.’

At least now, whatever the problem, he has something to do and a reason for it…

Lucius Paisley Logliner Reviewed on January 3, 2015.
Add Comment

Better, but I fear that anyone reading it for the first time will stumble over “part-foetal”. So the question is will that hook their interest to read the script to at least find out what “part-foetal” means? Or will it give them an excuse not to read the script?

Being by temperament an expect-the worst, glass-half-empty kind of guy, my default position is that folks in the biz, being very busy, easily distracted, are always looking for an excuse not to read a script. So my philosophy is, don’t give them an excuse. Not one.

fwiw.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on January 3, 2015.
Add Comment

Your Review

By posting your review, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.