"When an upper-class rebel is suddenly disinherited by his fed-up father, he struggles to win his father’s approval in order to have his inheritance restored, but his plans derail when he is forcibly drafted to fight in the second US civil war."

The Brothers’ War: Realization  (Rewrite down below)

Shadow Penpusher Asked on August 8, 2015 in Public.
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17 Review(s)

This raises so many questions, I’m not even sure where to start.

Since when was there a second U.S. civil war? In what time period is this set? Why was he disinherited? What does he have to do for his father’s approval? What exactly is an upper class rebel? With what is his father fed up?

Now some statements: everything happens suddenly, because first it isn’t happening and then it is. Don’t need the word.

All military drafts are forced. That’s a what being drafted means. Another unnecessary word.

Being at war means to fight. Yet another word you don’t need.

This is very long and meandering. Sum it up in one simple sentence: “A spoiled aristocrat must learn to survive on his own after being disowned by his father and drafted into civil war.”

If you have to specify a time period, keep it short and simple and make sure the sentence still flows.

mrliteral Penpusher Reviewed on August 9, 2015.
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Well said, mrliteral.

Default Reviewed on August 9, 2015.
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Learning to survive on your own is completely different to winning back a father’s good graces. In you version he would transform into his own man. What I am getting is that he is willing to manipulate to restore his position.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on August 9, 2015.
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The second civil war is confusing. Your story is era independent, a producer could say set it during the Veitnam War at the story could still work. Drop things like “suddenly”, it doesn’t add, I think you were going for a “without warning” feel, save it for the treatment.

Good story. Tighten it and post it in the comments.

PS, I guess the Army does make him a different person despite his original plans?

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on August 9, 2015.
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Hi Shadow.

This is a slight re wording of an older logline you posted but adds little much needed clarity I think almost all the comments from the previous logline still apply.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on August 9, 2015.
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