When her brother’s diary mysteriously appears at her doorstep, an art forgery investigator uses it to decipher location of stolen diamonds. She also discovers the truth about her father who masterminded an international heist and embarks on a hunt for the treasure during which she finds her family lost decades ago.

corridorone Penpusher Asked on October 3, 2015 in Adventure.
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7 Review(s)

Seems too long for a logline. It is more of a pitch. Try something like: An art forgery expert’s investigation to locate stolen diamonds leads to the discovery that the mastermind behind the international heist is her estranged father.

The family lost decades ago doesn’t grab me. Hope this is useful.

martinreese Penpusher Reviewed on October 4, 2015.
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No antagonist?  Why not? Why can’t there be one?  Why did you choose not to have one?

Other than that’s the way you wrote the book.   Adapting a book to a feature film almost always requires taking things out, adding things in, reshaping the story.  They are 2 different mediums and do not always congruently map to each other. What works for a book may not work in a movie. And vice versa.

Not having an antagonist is a potentially serious problem when it comes to marketing the story as a movie.  Just saying.

And does the diary reveal that the treasure was stolen from her father?  If so, then the logline should indicate that there is a clear linkage between both.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 6, 2015.

Hi DPG, what is your email address? Do you like to have an conversation outside LOGLINE website. It is difficult and not really safe  for me to comment on your post. Sorry. R.D

on October 6, 2015.

see my user profile

on October 6, 2015.
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Corridorone,

You’ve worked on so many versions of this — you’re obviously passionate about the story.  And passion is always a good thing.   I can’t say I’ve followed every version, but here’s the way the story seems to break down based on your latest version:

Protagonist:  A female art forgery investigator.
Character flaw: ??
Inciting incident: The appearance of the diary and what the woman finds in it about the stolen treasure
The objective goal: Find the stolen treasure.
Antagonist: ??
Stakes: ??

So after 51 words, I only have information on 3 of the 6 need-to-know elements.

Sad to say, but what she discovers about about her father, while important to the story, is incidental to the logline.   It’s a 2nd or 3rd Act story twist in the form of a Big Reveal.  It’s what happens after she sets out on her objective goal (find the treasure).  And while loglines implicitly promise action and discovery to follow as a consequence of the objective goal, they don’t disclose any of that.

A primary reason is that there is simply not enough space.   As every version of your logline in which you attempt include the information about her father and her missing family demonstrates.  At 51 words, this version far exceeds the ideal maximum length for a logline ,30 words.  And it exceeds what I take to be the tolerable maximum logline  length of 40 words –a number I arrived in analyzing over 600 loglines for stories that actually got made into movies.

If you focused on just providing information that answers the 6 elements listed above — and nothing else — what would the logline be?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 4, 2015.

Hi
Thank you fro your comments and suggestions.
I would like to share with you some of my toughs. Since I started working on my logline I had a dozens of variations and step by step progress toward it perfection. Difficulty is that my logline is based on my book published 3 month ago and getting great traction with the readers and reviewers. The book is an adventure / mystery / drama .
Trying to fit the best parts of the book in a screenplay – my first challenge, and I’m in  a process of doing it.
The second challenge is to fit it into the Logline.
When the theory and methodology and the standards are known to me – my case is slightly different.
Examples:  Protagonist:  A female art forgery investigator.
Inciting incident: The appearance of the diary and what the woman finds in it about the stolen treasure
The objective goal: Find the stolen treasure.
Antagonist:  Book has o real antagonist 🙁  only her father who was involved in an international heist and many other crimes (not explained in a book)
Stakes: to find 20 years ago lost family, where the lost of her brother is one event, lost of her father is another event and her search fro a diamonds has all elements of discovery those events and link them together.
As you can see it is not a traditional story. I don’t have a dead body on a second page. I don’t have a broken bonds  or ketchup to  all over my book pages. It is may be not real traditional style of Hollywood story but it is for now my style and I hope I could get through with all your and other helps.
Thank YOU again.

 

on October 5, 2015.
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I just noticed this conversation, and would like to add that you can ‘vote up’ reviews.
This way, you can support what you believe is a valuable contribution from anyone.
(Once a user collects 2,500 points, they can also ‘vote down’ a review. )

And Rafael, you can give someone the highest kudos by selecting their review as the “Best Review/Best Answer.”

😉

Karel

Karel Segers Samurai Reviewed on October 7, 2015.
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I would ignore dpg, he fairly repetitively asks the same questions, and expects the whole plot of a movie to condense down to under 50 words.
The point of a logline is to hook the reader, you hook a reader by getting them to ask questions, which means being more vague rather than more specific. If I can get the whole movie from 50 words or less, why would I go see the movie?

Not every movie has to have an antagonist, not every movie has external stakes.

If you look at this article – http://www.scriptmag.com/features/write-logline – then you’ll see the highest rated scripts on the Blacklist have very vague loglines that break most of the rules that dpg talks about.

The one thing, I would say about your logline specifically is to cut it down to a clear, easy to follow sentence.

priggy Logliner Reviewed on October 6, 2015.

expects the whole plot of a movie to condense down to under 50 words.

Nope. Just the essence.

>>>The point of a logline is to hook the reader,

Amen!

>>>you hook a reader by getting them to ask questions…

Asking questions that indicate interest (positive response) — not confusion (negative response)

>>>>Not every movie has to have an antagonist, not every movie has external stakes.

From the article cited:
Don’t overlook the main character, the conflict, or the stakes.

And I repeat myself, ask the same questions …

because the problems repeat themselves. 😉

on October 6, 2015.

The antagonist isn’t the main character, that’s the protagonist.  It said don’t overlook the conflict or the stakes but did you also note right above it, it also posted three loglines that break it. The main character is included but the stakes and the conflict aren’t mentioned.

But you insist that the conflict and the stakes have to be there. Don’t overlook them but they don’t have to be there. But you repeatedly insist that these are included. They don’t have to be there. I’m not saying don’t include them, because you shouldn’t overlook them but it doesn’t need to be there.

The point of a logline is to get a producer or an executive to read your script and later for an audience to want to watch the movie.

on October 6, 2015.

Would be glad to discuss those 3 loglines and why the first 2 in particular can bend the rules.  The short answer is because the 1st two are based on real events,  a famous and scandalous “Queen Bee” monarch and a notorious trial in L.A. still familiar to every agent, producer,  director and actor in Hollyweird.  “OJ — Oh yeah, I get it.”

And in discussing the 3rd, the article  also explains why this one can’t.  To wit because “it isn’t based on a true story so it requires more explanation.”

on October 6, 2015.

Priggy.

You are welcome to post your opinions regarding loglines and concepts but please refrain from telling other people to ignore specific individuals on logline.it other wise your comments will be moderated in future.

On a side note, DPG is one of our most experienced and prolific reviewers, anyone should be so lucky to receive his feedback and advise which I strongly recommend (particularly in this case) to follow.

Nir.

on October 6, 2015.
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