When her brother’s diary mysteriously appears at her doorstep, an art forgery investigator uses it to decipher location of stolen diamonds. She also discovers the truth about her father who masterminded an international heist and embarks on a hunt for the treasure during which she finds her family lost decades ago.

    corridorone Penpusher Asked on October 3, 2015 in Adventure.
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    7 Review(s)

      Seems too long for a logline. It is more of a pitch. Try something like: An art forgery expert’s investigation to locate stolen diamonds leads to the discovery that the mastermind behind the international heist is her estranged father.

      The family lost decades ago doesn’t grab me. Hope this is useful.

      martinreese Penpusher Reviewed on October 4, 2015.
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        No antagonist?  Why not? Why can’t there be one?  Why did you choose not to have one?

        Other than that’s the way you wrote the book.   Adapting a book to a feature film almost always requires taking things out, adding things in, reshaping the story.  They are 2 different mediums and do not always congruently map to each other. What works for a book may not work in a movie. And vice versa.

        Not having an antagonist is a potentially serious problem when it comes to marketing the story as a movie.  Just saying.

        And does the diary reveal that the treasure was stolen from her father?  If so, then the logline should indicate that there is a clear linkage between both.

        dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 6, 2015.

        Hi DPG, what is your email address? Do you like to have an conversation outside LOGLINE website. It is difficult and not really safe  for me to comment on your post. Sorry. R.D

        on October 6, 2015.

        see my user profile

        on October 6, 2015.
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          Corridorone,

          You’ve worked on so many versions of this — you’re obviously passionate about the story.  And passion is always a good thing.   I can’t say I’ve followed every version, but here’s the way the story seems to break down based on your latest version:

          Protagonist:  A female art forgery investigator.
          Character flaw: ??
          Inciting incident: The appearance of the diary and what the woman finds in it about the stolen treasure
          The objective goal: Find the stolen treasure.
          Antagonist: ??
          Stakes: ??

          So after 51 words, I only have information on 3 of the 6 need-to-know elements.

          Sad to say, but what she discovers about about her father, while important to the story, is incidental to the logline.   It’s a 2nd or 3rd Act story twist in the form of a Big Reveal.  It’s what happens after she sets out on her objective goal (find the treasure).  And while loglines implicitly promise action and discovery to follow as a consequence of the objective goal, they don’t disclose any of that.

          A primary reason is that there is simply not enough space.   As every version of your logline in which you attempt include the information about her father and her missing family demonstrates.  At 51 words, this version far exceeds the ideal maximum length for a logline ,30 words.  And it exceeds what I take to be the tolerable maximum logline  length of 40 words –a number I arrived in analyzing over 600 loglines for stories that actually got made into movies.

          If you focused on just providing information that answers the 6 elements listed above — and nothing else — what would the logline be?

          dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 4, 2015.

          Hi
          Thank you fro your comments and suggestions.
          I would like to share with you some of my toughs. Since I started working on my logline I had a dozens of variations and step by step progress toward it perfection. Difficulty is that my logline is based on my book published 3 month ago and getting great traction with the readers and reviewers. The book is an adventure / mystery / drama .
          Trying to fit the best parts of the book in a screenplay – my first challenge, and I’m in  a process of doing it.
          The second challenge is to fit it into the Logline.
          When the theory and methodology and the standards are known to me – my case is slightly different.
          Examples:  Protagonist:  A female art forgery investigator.
          Inciting incident: The appearance of the diary and what the woman finds in it about the stolen treasure
          The objective goal: Find the stolen treasure.
          Antagonist:  Book has o real antagonist 🙁  only her father who was involved in an international heist and many other crimes (not explained in a book)
          Stakes: to find 20 years ago lost family, where the lost of her brother is one event, lost of her father is another event and her search fro a diamonds has all elements of discovery those events and link them together.
          As you can see it is not a traditional story. I don’t have a dead body on a second page. I don’t have a broken bonds  or ketchup to  all over my book pages. It is may be not real traditional style of Hollywood story but it is for now my style and I hope I could get through with all your and other helps.
          Thank YOU again.

           

          on October 5, 2015.
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            I just noticed this conversation, and would like to add that you can ‘vote up’ reviews.
            This way, you can support what you believe is a valuable contribution from anyone.
            (Once a user collects 2,500 points, they can also ‘vote down’ a review. )

            And Rafael, you can give someone the highest kudos by selecting their review as the “Best Review/Best Answer.”

            😉

            Karel

            Karel Segers Samurai Reviewed on October 7, 2015.
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