When his fiance is kidnapped by a Fire-Demon, a timid janitor must locate a mythical artifact and uncover its power before the Devil kills his lover and unborn child.

Horn of the Leviathan

Andrew Bates Penpusher Asked on October 4, 2012 in Public.
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3 Review(s)

You have told us the story and the stakes so we know what is going to happen and what it is about although it just seems a little flat and reckon you could spice it up a little bit with some more exciting words as although I understand the premise it doesn’t particularly excite me.

In terms of telling us what it is it works but just work on what will grab our attention.

Kriss Tolliday Default Reviewed on October 4, 2012.
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I agree… the story didn’t jump out at me but that could be partly because of personal taste or because the word choice can be tweaked. But everything else seems succinct!

Darqhorse Default Reviewed on October 4, 2012.
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Thanks. Will re-post another logline shortly.

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on October 8, 2012.
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