When his research lab risks beign shut down, a passionate scientist and his nerdy intern build a believable fake AI, but they need to pass a series of tests to be taken seriously while unscrupulous corporations want to take possession of the invention.

Turk Job

FFF Mentor Asked on July 7, 2015 in Public.
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14 Review(s)

“When a passionate scientist and his nerdy intern build a believable fake AI to save their lab, they need to pass a series of tests while unscrupulous corporations try to lay hand on the invention.”

The obstacles are the series of test and the tentatives of the companies to lay hand on the AI. The lack of funds is a premise: maybe the reason why the lab must be closed, and/or the reason why they cannot build a real AI.
The antagonists are the companies, better if collusion with the responsable of the tests.
What’s at stake is the lab.
Better if the nerdy intern is a pretty woman so there may be a love affair with the responsable of the tests or some boss of the companies.

The usual ending of such a plot is the tests missed, the companies conned and the scientist having lot of money to build his real AI. This can make a good comedy.

Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat Samurai Reviewed on October 1, 2015.
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Use of the word “very” is interesting. Is it intentional, as it feels like you are trying to draw the readers attention to that fact. “Builds” should be, “build” in my opinion. In terms of the final line, “they’re under more pressure than they have ever imagined” it doesn’t seem entirely necessary if this pressure is referring to the closure that is mentioned at the start. If this pressure is something different it may be a good idea to specify what this pressure is, or the thought may seem redundant.

grachamoncha Default Reviewed on July 7, 2015.
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Hello, I edited it a little to match your advice. I used “very” because I imagine a one-man lab, isolated, where the scientist is doing experiments about a very speculative and almost purposeless theory with the money of an old benevolent (and maybe a little crazy) mentor who is almost ruined. I don’t know if “very” is appropriate. Is it? I can simply say “when his research lab risks to be shut down”.

FFF Mentor Reviewed on July 7, 2015.
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Your first clause is awkward and doesn’t make sense. Who or what can threaten to shut down his very independent research lab? Also, what does ‘very independent’ mean? It’s either independent or it’s not. And if their AI is fake, why would they expect to be taken seriously? You also need to show how all these discrete elements tie together. Finally, what does his being candid have to do with anything. Sorry to be so critical. You might have a great story, but I’m not seeing it yet. Have another shot at it.

Default Reviewed on July 7, 2015.
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You can’t use isolated only once to mean both that his lab is not influenced or controlled by others and that it’s in a remote location. Also, say ‘risks being shut down’ instead of ‘risks to be shut down’.

Default Reviewed on July 7, 2015.
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