When human terrorists bomb the cybernetic population, a state-committed cybernetic enforcer adopts human form to infiltrate the cell and stop the bombings before billions of his cybernetic kin are murdered.

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andrewclau Logliner Asked on June 25, 2013 in Public.
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3 Review(s)

The beginning was easy to follow- ‘When human terrorists bomb the cybernetic population.’

The rest was quite dense. eg ‘a state- committed cybernetic enforcer.’ That is hard to picture immediately in one’s mind. I think the ‘state- committed,’ is apparent by his actions.

We may also not need to know he adopts human form to infiltrate the cell.

I like your end- states the stakes really well ‘before billions of his cybernetic kin are murdered.’ If it is apparent you are referring to the cybernetic guy, you may even be able to cut cybernetic in ‘cybernetic kin’.

isabelle.allen Default Reviewed on June 27, 2013.
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Thanks for the positive feedback. You’re quite right about the “state-committed cybernetic enforcer” being overly dense. I was trying to communicate that he was naive, and that he blindly worked for the system that he was part of. Naive might have been the word to use! You may be right about removing the “adopts human form” part as well – I put it in because I thought it might be a nice hook but not putting it there might create more interest.

With this in mind the new logline is:

When human terrorists bomb the cybernetic population, a naive cybernetic enforcer must infiltrate the human cell to stop the bombings before more of his kin are murdered.

andrewclau Logliner Reviewed on July 2, 2013.
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andrewclau:

It’s an interesting concept, but the context of your story seems to be a war between species, one natural, one artificial. Us versus them. So,from the pov of homo sap, the terrorists would be the good guys, taking down the competition. the threat to our own species dominance and survival. (As in the Terminator franchise.)

dpg Singularity Reviewed on July 2, 2013.
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