When Mouse, the smartest girl in school, and social outcast falls for the head cheerleader, Kat Sanders; She will have to pull every trick in the book to win her, the only trouble, Kat doesn't even know mouse exists… and likes boys.
The opening line had me confused and I was thinking ‘I’ve seen all this before’ but the final line completely changed that, and even made me chuckle! The title is also great.
You have given us what we need to know in that she will be trying to convince Kat to stop looking for boys and that girls are so much better. It has comic potential. think the opening of the log line though needs working on. Too many commas for starters so it confuses when you read. Make the first line grip you like the second and you will have an ace log line. I also like the irony in the mouse chasing the cat for a change. Has a lot of potential just think the opening line needs sorting as sounds unoriginal at first and people may stop reading before they get to the final line.
Hope this helps
Intriguing story, sounds like it will be such fun. Not a regular cat and mouse story, that’s for sure! 🙂
I’d work on the logline some more. Just a few edits on the current version: When Mouse, the smartest girl in school [delete the comma] and social outcast [add comma] falls for the head cheerleader, Kat Sanders;[use comma instead of semicolon] She [should not be capitalized] will have to pull every trick in the book to win her, [delete comma, use period] the only trouble [is], Kat doesn’t even know mouse [capitalize] exists… and likes boys.
It will then read as:
When Mouse, the smartest girl in school and social outcast, falls for the head cheerleader, Kat Sanders, she will have to pull every trick in the book to win her. The only trouble is, Kat doesn’t even know Mouse exists… and likes boys.
I hope that helps.