Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity, a battle-weary young woman struggles to prepare her new trainee for combat when the truth behind her sister’s death on the frontlines comes to light.
Shouldn’t the woman need some training herself? That’s the usual m.o. for the heroic motif— the designated story hero needs to go through a period of training, of trials and tests, to get ready to do mortal combat with the antagonist. (She is the main character, isn’t she?)
Stars Wars Episodes IV & V are not stories about how and whether 2 Jedi knights, Obi-wan and Yoda, can train a raw recruit the ways of the Force to do battle with the evil Empire. It’s about how and whether a raw recruit can learn the ways of the Force from 2 Jedi knights (in time) to do battle against the evil Empire. A slightly different wording puts the focus where it belongs: on the main character.
If her plot task is to train the new guy then she’s being cast in the role of the mentor, which kind of shifts suspense — hence, story focus — away from her to him. Because the dramatic question becomes: can he — not her — get ready in time for the Act3/High Noon showdown with the forces of evil?
If she needs a partner — okay, but assuming she’s the main character, the protagonist, than it’s important to keep the focus (in the logline and in the story itself) on her plot struggle , not his.
In addition to refocusing the logline on the main character, I suggest add a ticking clock to create a sense of urgency and raise the stakes. IOW: she doesn’t have the luxury of enough time to get herself — or anyone — ready. She must get ready before the impeding “onslaught”.
One more thing, about the “laws of the universe fracture”…
I would prefere to read what “visually” and concretely put the story in motion than an abstract analysis of the causes. Monsters? So start with “When monsters arise from a fracture in the space-time continuum” or something like that – I don’t care about the laws of the universe broken as far as my life is not affected. Not in an action movie. Try to give a better description of the monsters.
Any way you can be more specific about what “laws of the universe” have fractured? It is dramatically written, I’m just not clear enough on exactly what has taken place. Battle weary makes it sound like there is a war going on. Is there? Between monsters and humanity?