When the normalcy of an overly meticulous statistical analyst is disrupted by the appearance of a small cloud above his head, he must find a way to get rid of it before his crititcal work presentation.

    puffin_jacket Penpusher Asked on September 30, 2015 in Student Loglines.
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    5 Review(s)

      First half I believe works. But need to change the 2nd half. Try he needs to eradicate the cloud before his critical presentation at work.

      White Shadow Penpusher Reviewed on September 30, 2015.
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        I think you could cut ‘normalcy’ as ‘meticulous statistical analyst’ states a lot. I like the ending of ‘critical work presentation’ it ups the ante.
        Happy writing.
        M

        mariechanel Penpusher Reviewed on September 30, 2015.
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          EDIT 01

          When an overly meticulous Statistics Consultant is disrupted by a small cloud, he must find a way to remove it before his critical work presentation.

          puffin_jacket Penpusher Reviewed on September 30, 2015.

          Hello, this is better.
          I like the concept.
          I would avoid “overly” because meticulous¬†kind of¬†imply it.
          I would put again “a small cloud above his head” or we can’t imagine where the cloud is (in the sky or right above his head?). I wonder if the cloud is above his head=in the sky, or, as I imagined, at a very small distance. This change a lot the kind of movie. If the cloud is in the sky, then it’s better not to say “above his head”. Anyway I think that you can talk a little more about the cloud because if it’s in the sky how it can affect his presenation?

          It made me think of this very funny movie:
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbS2yaQTvjo

          on September 30, 2015.
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            I love big words because they explain things totally without equivocation…if you know what they mean.
            (i humbly suggest with all respect) For the average Joe it might not be understandable and in reading it there’s a lot of syllables and it could come accross as a little convoluted.
            The mention of the cloud interests me and the deadline you create “before his meeting” makes me feels the suspense/risk/stakes.

            With respect.

            DC.

            DC_33 Penpusher Reviewed on September 30, 2015.
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