With the family farm in flames, his father murdered, and his mother and sister kidnapped it’s up to young Leif to track them, revenge his father, find his mother and sister and bring them back home, but the Gods have other plans for Leif and his family..

Patrick Thorrgils Corrigan Penpusher Asked on September 30, 2015 in Action.
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2 Review(s)

Hello,
usually You don’t use personal names in the logline (like “Leif”), because names means nothing (unless the character is a famous real person like Mozart). The basic idea is that each elements of a logline must have a meaning for the plot (if the hero is called “Erlend”, to keep the name scandinavian like Leif, does it make any difference?).
To understand if I would like the movie or not I feel like I need to know what you mean by “god have other plans”: I suggest to add some details in the logline about this – besides you can cut some details from the setting – mother and sister kidnapped for me is enough, I don’t care a lot about the farm in flames in this context, maybe you can sum up better?- the kidnap gives enought motivation to the character. I would spend some words about the opponent too.

FFF Mentor Reviewed on October 1, 2015.

Thanks Samurai, you are right on all accounts! Last night I was rereading the synopsis and wrote the logline rather fast and I do admit wasn’t as well thought out as it could have been. I did have something on the antagonist, but took it out for some reason. Leif’s father killed the leader of this group of men, so the other man’s son, now grownup murders Leif’s father. The story is loosely based on Eric the Red, and why he had to leave Scandinavia. I’ll take your comments to heart and rewrite it…

Cheer’s mate
Thorrgils

on October 1, 2015.
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Hi Patrick,

Powerful setup! Reminds me of THE SEARCHERS…

Like I said elsewhere on this site, commas are your friend. You are using quite a few, but need more.

“The Gods have other plans…” may be a tad vague. Typically, you should reveal what the new direction is (at the Mid Point, I presume).

Finally, I would cut “his family” at the end. It feels tagged on, and is essentially unnecessary.

I hope this helps!

Cheers,

Karel

Karel Segers Samurai Reviewed on September 30, 2015.

Thanks Karel, your comments have been take to heart and I will be rewriting this Logline again sometime this week.
Thanks for your comments

Cheers

Thorrhils

on October 1, 2015.
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