RE: When the normalcy of an overly meticulous statistical analyst is disrupted by the appearance of a small cloud above his head, he must find a way to get rid of it before his crititcal work presentation.Penpusher Posted on September 30, 2015 in Student Loglines.
I love big words because they explain things totally without equivocation…if you know what they mean.
(i humbly suggest with all respect) For the average Joe it might not be understandable and in reading it there’s a lot of syllables and it could come accross as a little convoluted.
The mention of the cloud interests me and the deadline you create “before his meeting” makes me feels the suspense/risk/stakes.
- 446 views
- 5 reviews
- 0 votes
RE: Bleeding in the middle of a job, a hit woman must fight off a distressed woman for the last pack of tampons, before she misses her marked man.Penpusher Posted on September 30, 2015 in Comedy.
I like the first line, it’s intriguing.
Woman coming up twice in the same line is tripping me up a bit. (i humbly suggest with all respect) Maybe distinguish each woman so they are unique.
Maybe mention the period somewhere, i feel like tampons coming up with no context is a bit surprising or maybe confusing, like she’s gonna put tampons on a bullet wound because she’s a hit woman.
I like the concept though, should be fun to watch.
- 396 views
- 3 reviews
- 0 votes