dpg's Profile
Singularity
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"Less is More." --- Ludwig Mies van der Rohe
  • Singularity Posted 1 day ago in SciFi.

    What’s his dramatic problem?  The power-that-be doubt he’s human, suspect he’s a clone, a replicant, a cyborg or whatever?  Is that ultimately what’s at stake– proving he’s a genuine homo sapien?

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    • 6 reviews
    • 1 votes
  • Singularity Posted 1 day ago in Drama.

    The problem I see with this version is that it buries the story hook — the aspect of the story that is most likely to grab attention, create interest in reading the script.   Per your previous version “her abuser”  is her father, and the abuse is sexual. 

    The story hook concerns an adult woman  forced to come to a reckoning with her father over his sexual abuse of her when she was young.

    (Also, a logline raises a question implicitly; it never states it explicitly.  It does so by framing the plot in terms of her objective goal,  In this case, her objective goal is to save her relationship, reconcile with the one she loves.  Which implicitly raises the obvious question:  will she achieve her objective goal?  Will she be able to save her relationship?  Because that question is obvious, it need not be stated explicitly.)

    fwiw

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  • Singularity Posted 2 days ago in Drama.

    lz:

    With your revision, your story has hooked my interest.  It’s certainly a topical issue in the context of the #MeToo movement.  And it concerns the most pervasive dirty little secret of family life.

    However:

    “In order to save her relationship” tells us what the stakes are, but, alas, doesn’t constitute an inciting incident.  What triggers the situation that puts her relationship in jeopardy?

    Here’s a suggestion for your consideration:  What if the inciting incident is her forthcoming marriage? No sooner has she said “I will” to his marriage proposal than she starts having PTSD symptoms: nightmares, etc.  And whereas they had a lively sex life before then engagement, now she goes frigid, has panic attacks whenever he makes a seductive overture.

    Why?  Because of the prospect of being given away by her father on her wedding day.  The fact that he gladly agrees to footing the bill for the wedding — no expense to be spared, only the best for his daughter — is no source of consolation or reconciliation.

    Inserting a wedding  date into the plot also embeds a ticking clock  that heightens dramatic tension and urgency:  she MUST resolve her past before she can go through with the wedding and she has only so much time to do it.

    Best wishes with your writing.

    fwiw

    • 50 views
    • 3 reviews
    • 1 votes
  • Singularity Posted 3 days ago in Coming of Age.

    I really like Richiev’s version.  And I suggest pushing the concept further.

    What if  his  grandfather is an un-beloved, ornery,  old goat who lives miles from town on a small cattle ranch  in the West?  And he lives totally off the grid — no electricity, no phone, no wireless coverage?

    Th kid is sent there for the summer not only  to “cure”  his online addiction  but also to work for his grandfather whose health is declining.  So  the kid  has to to help him by herding cattle,  harvesting hay, building fences, riding horses, etc.  About all of which he is clueless.

    This is a summer with  less than a zero possibility of fun.  Living off the grid is his version of hell.

    Whatever.  My point is, put the urban savvy kid in a situation where in every possible way, he is a fish out of water.  Compelled against his will to  live with a person whom he initially thinks is the last person in the world — in the galaxy, in the universe –he could possibly bond with.

    fwiw

    • 52 views
    • 3 reviews
    • 0 votes