RE: When a building closes up for the night, locking an ordinary employee inside, the employee finds a beautiful woman that turns his night in a living horror and psychological terror in which he must survive the night to make it end.Samurai Posted on February 21, 2018 in Horror.
What kind of building?
What kind of employee?
What type of person is he?
And why can’t he just leave the building?
What kind of living horror and psychological terror?
I like the contained nature, the stakes, the goal – but the setup needs to be more specific if you want to hook an audience.
- 72 views
- 3 reviews
- 0 votes
RE: When a paranoid new king starts burning women at the stake, a mysterious outsider must embrace both her destiny and the ancient Hermetic ways to change the course of history.Samurai Posted on February 21, 2018 in Thriller.
There’s a hint of a story there but the logline is currently too vague.
“Mysterious outsider” – this appears to be your main character and therefore cannot be mysterious. How can we envision your story if we don’t even know who we’re following?
Forget embracing destiny (doesn’t everyone?), forgetting changing history (doesn’t everyone?) – tell us specifically what she must to do triumph. Must she overthrow the king? Assassinate the king?
Plus what are the stakes – is she in line to be burnt at the stake?
I think there’s a story under there but right now it’s hidden away.
- 75 views
- 3 reviews
- 0 votes
RE: A small-town janitor reels from the death of his former teacher and wife, only to be unexpectedly snowed in at his alma mater secondary school over Christmas holidays, challenged with sheer survival as well as the demons of his past.Samurai Posted on October 31, 2017 in Horror.
I like the specificity, and there are some good parts here that give me an impression on what the story will be, but it’s also still a little too vague.
First of all, is his former teacher and wife the same person? It’s not clear, and I have no idea why it’s important that we know both, or how that death relates to the rest of the story. Challenging his demons implies he played some part in her death? If so make that clear.
Alma mater secondary school is very wordy and a little odd. Why not – former high school?
And most importantly, what is the actual movie about? Getting snowed in at a school is hardly life or death, so how does it become about survival? And is it just him stuck at a school? And why he is at the school (funeral/memorial maybe?). If the ‘demons of his past’ are not literal then I would include them. Is this a supernatural horror?
It’s a good start, but some more specifics are required.
This review accepted by jfig. on October 31, 2017 Earned 50 points.
- 82 views
- 1 reviews
- 0 votes
RE: A hopeless romantic is stuck in a love triangle with her fiance and his bestman, and has three months to choose who she walks down the isle with.Samurai Posted on October 23, 2017 in Romance.
It’s very vague. Tell us something interesting about these three people that makes it interesting. Are the groom and best man very different people – perhaps one represents a life of passion and excitement the other a life of security and safety – that kind of thing makes the decision interesting and meaningful.
We also want to learn about her, especially as my first reaction is – WHO CARES?
What are the stakes of choosing one over the other? This needs to be a dilemma, they both need to be good choices. And there needs to be repercussions.
On top of all that 3 months is far too long to make this interesting. 3 days would probably still be too long. If it was the day before the wedding then that might work. Movies work far better in contained circumstances. The drama is instantly higher than 3 months which makes it seem like a long drawn out drama (boring!).
This review accepted by Chiemekak. on October 23, 2017 Earned 50 points.
- 136 views
- 4 reviews
- 0 votes