Paul Clarke's Profile
Samurai
880
points

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33

Reviews
83

  • Samurai Posted on October 31, 2017 in Horror.

    I like the specificity, and there are some good parts here that give me an impression on what the story will be, but it’s also still a little too vague.

    First of all, is his former teacher and wife the same person? It’s not clear, and I have no idea why it’s important that we know both, or how that death relates to the rest of the story. Challenging his demons implies he played some part in her death? If so make that clear.

    Alma mater secondary school is very wordy and a little odd. Why not – former high school?

    And most importantly, what is the actual movie about? Getting snowed in at a school is hardly life or death, so how does it become about survival? And is it just him stuck at a school? And why he is at the school (funeral/memorial maybe?). If the ‘demons of his past’ are not literal then I would include them. Is this a supernatural horror?

    It’s a good start, but some more specifics are required.

    This review accepted by jfig. on October 31, 2017 Earned 50 points.

    • 34 views
    • 1 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted on October 23, 2017 in Romance.

    It’s very vague. Tell us something interesting about these three people that makes it interesting. Are the groom and best man very different people – perhaps one represents a life of passion and excitement the other a life of security and safety – that kind of thing makes the decision interesting and meaningful.

    We also want to learn about her, especially as my first reaction is – WHO CARES?

    What are the stakes of choosing one over the other? This needs to be a dilemma, they both need to be good choices. And there needs to be repercussions.

    On top of all that 3 months is far too long to make this interesting. 3 days would probably still be too long. If it was the day before the wedding then that might work. Movies work far better in contained circumstances. The drama is instantly higher than 3 months which makes it seem like a long drawn out drama (boring!).

    This review accepted by Chiemekak. on October 23, 2017 Earned 50 points.

    • 54 views
    • 4 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted on October 23, 2017 in Adventure.

    The elements are there, but the structure is all over the place and repetitive.

    Something more streamlined like:

    After a decade of hunting terrorists, Liam and his former Special forces team retire to restore an abandoned ski lodge but they are hunted by a legendary creature known for its winter scream.

    But I still want to know about the monster. If it is legendary then tell us. And how does a scream become an actual threat? Does it set off avalanches? The monster is the hook, don’t leave it out.

    • 54 views
    • 6 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted on October 19, 2017 in Thriller.

    I like the idea, but the wording is awkward.

    Colleague is a work thing, but this is a bunch of friends play poker, so not sure if it fits. I don’t think the location (bathroom) is necessary and it is the cause of the awkward wording. So perhaps begin with something as simple as – When the new guy turns up dead at their weekly poker tournament, five childhood friends must uncover the murderer before XXX

    And then outline the stakes and imply why they have to solve the crime, rather than simply calling the police which is the clear and obvious reaction in such a situation.

    • 75 views
    • 4 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted on October 16, 2017 in Drama.

    Hi Brandz,

    I think ‘realise’ is a very uncinematic and uninteresting action. Perhaps something more dramatic like “When all their closest friends betray them, two…”

    And tells us what specifically about these two makes them unlikely allies. That is probably your hook. We must see how that clash would make everything so much more interesting. All good buddy-cop films rely on this, the contrast and conflict between the two main characters does many great things for your story, so use it as your hook. An ‘uneasy friendship’ is not going to be enough. They need to be polar opposites. For example the leader of a white supremacist gang and his rival from the Mexicans or African-Americans – straight away we can visualize the action and see how difficult the task would be, and you get to discus your theme without being on the nose.

    • 69 views
    • 5 reviews
    • 0 votes