sloanpeterson's Profile
Samurai
661
points

Loglines
11

Reviews
38

I have been screenwriting for 17 years and have a love / hate relationship with loglines...
  • Samurai Posted on August 28, 2017 in Drama.

    If it’s a biopic, the log line works fine as far as telling what the story is about, but it would benefit from telling what the stakes or opposition are.  If she fails to become a blues singer, she can just return to sharecropping and no harm done it seems.  Who is opposed to her following her dreams which is something most people would support.  The Johnny Cash and Ray Charles biopics depict a lot of the struggle and this log line doesn’t seem to hint toward any kind of struggle.

    • 249 views
    • 5 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted on August 28, 2017 in Adventure.

    Thanks so much for the suggestions!  I would love to put more about her motivation and what things go wrong, but I do recognize that it is too long already.  Maybe this edit?

    After sneaking out to the party of the year only to have the night go horribly wrong, the straight-laced daughter of the police chief must employ criminal tactics to get home without being caught.

    Or this change?

    Ruled by her police chief father’s iron fist, a naive teen sneaks out for a night of fun, but when things go horribly wrong, she must employ criminal tactics to get home without being caught.

    Again, I appreciate the input.  Log lines are so much harder than they seem.

    • 335 views
    • 8 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted on August 27, 2017 in Action.

    I don’t see how it can be a love triangle if there are two witches and two thieves.  You also refer to them as “the two Witches (which wouldn’t be capitalized).  Why “the”?  It implies we should know who the two witches are.  (The first comma is also unneeded.)
    Other than that, it sounds intriguing.  Keeping the door to hell locked seems like it’s definitely an important goal.

    • 571 views
    • 5 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted on August 27, 2017 in Romance.

    My first reaction is to wonder if he loves her from afar? Because how would these two ever have their paths cross?  It’s maybe a little bit vague on that note.  Do they know each other?
    Also, how would he stand to confess his love and to who?  To her?  Again, how would these two ever be in a situation where they might talk?
    Other than that, I think it sounds like a really interesting story and a unique idea.  I would watch the movie.

    • 356 views
    • 4 reviews
    • -2 votes