RE :(Animated Short) Two competitive drunks awake locked inside the Tower of London, only to get caught in an increasingly loud battle of imaginations about how to steal the crown jewels.
Entirely agree – just got exactly same feedback in the material world – it’s just a barroom argument, no stakes, so why should you care?
Thus why changed it to the above to try and increase the stakes. Also edited to include the fact that this is meant to be a short animated feature – my apologies for not being clear.
- 452 views
- 3 reviews
- 0 votes
RE :(Comedy) What if an old woman found a spaceship in her backyard and the government wants it, but she wants to keep it to help her alien friend!
This sounds like a solid story: you’ve already answered the who (old woman), what if they fail (government takes ship – but why is this bad, greed on her part, stinginess, a lovable alien – why does she want the ship?), and the why now (the ship crashed now). So you’ve got all that, just need to cut down the sentence.
Maybe: “When a spaceship crashes in an old woman’s backyard, she must battle the government to keep it.” Still long sorry. Mainly I think I just want to know WHY she wants to keep it – can take it from there.
- 476 views
- 8 reviews
- 0 votes
RE :(political action adventure) about Veronica McCabe a college professor who wants to shut down the Plum Island Animal Disease Center. The federal government is bringing live animals with diseases through the community. Her son Alex (9) contracts a rare disease and now she has to find the cure.
Seconding Tony: from what I’ve read the logline MUST be one sentence – but it’s always best to write something that’s too long first and THEN cut it down into a shorter length. I also don’t think you should supposed to include the genre in parentheses at the start – ideally we should be able to tell the genre from the logline alone WITHOUT having it explicitly stated. Similarly with the exact age of the character – maybe try: ‘Her young son, Alex, contracts are rare disease and now she has to find a cure.’ or ‘Alex, her young son, contracts a rare disease and now she has to find a cure.’ From that alone I would guess he’s 9ish.
One guess: ‘College professor Veronica McCabe must shut down a federal Disease Center and their nefarious animal testing in order to find the cure to save her young son.’
- 660 views
- 6 reviews
- 0 votes