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  • Samurai Posted 25 mins ago in Thriller.

    This one is kind of wordy in my opinion. Help on consolidating it, please.

    • 1 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Mentor Posted 7 hours ago in Comedy.

    Agree with giannisggeorgiou. What is the goal? They want to name and shame unfaithful men but to what end?

    Is there a better way to describe the protagonist other than just “young wife”. Using the words “her husband” already gives us that the wife bit and “young” doesn’t hold much bearing on the story so in my mind you have two words where you can give us some more details. As giannisggeorgiou pointed out, you could focus on her inner journey – her character arc.

    Hope this helps.

    • 2 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted 8 hours ago in SciFi.

    I read it as only one set of aliens (perhaps my brain protected me from alien-overdose). I don’t see the concept of sexiness in the recipe.

    However, the concept of both protagonists and aliens being rich works for me in the frame of a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy premise: what if the protagonists are real-estate developers, kicking people out of their homes by raising land/rent value; then the aliens are also intergalactic real-estate developers who want to re-furbish the earth; kick the humans out and bring their own people to colonise it.

    • 3 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Samurai Posted 8 hours ago in Comedy.

    “But then…” What is the main conflict after that? What happens after the business is established? Do they get death threats? Do they uncover the USA President as an adulterer?

    What must they do? What is the main ACTION?

    Also (you don’t have to put it in the logline) think about the inner journey: she starts as bitter and vengeful. Does she end up as forgiving? As independent? Does she find somebody else? Doesn’t she also discover unfaithful women? Does her business protect those? Does she have a moral dilemma over this? (I’m riffing, here.)

    • 2 reviews
    • 0 votes