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  • Mentor Posted 2 hours ago in Action.

    The unknown group should be one which this agent believed he put an end to during his career. It’s personal and it’d be understandable why he’d come back into play. As Craig pointed out, there needs to be a link.

    I feel like it’s a bit vague. You haven’t specified which currency has been stolen and it’s an unknown group. Specifics will help ground the story. For example, if he’d stolen US dollars we can picture the story in the states and I would consider it to just be a “in it for the money” kinda thing. However if it was the currency in a poor country, immediately I’d be thinking why steal the currency of a country that’s poor… there must something else going on, something that’s bigger than just stealing cash.

    You’ve used 8 words to describe the protagonist. Is it important that we know he’s “black ops federal agent (CIA black ops)”? Can’t you just say retired CIA agent? Or retired federal agent? Given the logline as it stands, I’m not sure the “black ops” bit adds anything that we don’t already get from CIA agent. I could be swayed though… black ops does suggest something darker and more mysterious but I need something to hint at that from the rest of the logline.

    A protagonist should be proactive. He can be requested back into service but ultimately the decision must be his. That’s your break into act 2.

    Hope this helps.

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  • Mentor Posted 2 hours ago in Action.

    Yep, it does seem like an idea that has been done a lot before, what is your unique twist? Like Demolition Man, it’s the same formula, but has a different twist on.

    An obvious link would be the currency is stolen by his old arch nemesis who he knows better than anyone else.

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  • Summitry Posted 4 hours ago in Action.

    The problem is that the two issues aren’t logically linked. He retires, the CIA still exists. They have other agents. This may have worked in the 80’s we need a connection now.

    Plus you tended to double underline the idea of the black ops. We did get the point.

    Tie them together with a bit of story or complexity

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  • Singularity Posted 5 hours ago in Action.

    Just curious, why not let the non-retired guys handle it. Why him?
    Also, who forces him back into action?

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