RE: It’s 2151 and a bio scientist finds herself in the middle of the largest coverup in history. She begins a race against time to expose her former CEO’s deceit or else mankind changes forever.

      Bbass74 Penpusher Posted on May 14, 2020 in Thriller.
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      5 Reviews

        I have a problem with the wording of your logline. The story sounds interesting, but “the largest coverup in history” is too generic to get us excited for your main character. Replace this sentence with a more detailed and visual description like “In 2151, when the whole world is contaminated and uninhabitable, a bio scientist…”

        Also, give us a better outlook of your mid-point: “or else mankind changes forever” is pretty basic and can mean anything, even in a positive way. Try to find a better way in communicating it. Don’t use “deceit” for the CEO, maybe go with “the CEO’s responsibility”. He should be directly involved and responsible for this catastrophy if you want him to be the main antagonistic force in your story.

         

        Mentor Answered on May 14, 2020.

        Brevity is not my strong suit so I’ll try to break the story down to find clarity.

        The last remaining deposit of a rare mineral is found in Northern Scotland and a bio engineering firm is wanting to purchase the land it sits under from a single farmer. Not a big deal until a bio scientist working in the R&D department for that firm finds her co-worker dead and discovers he knew the truth about why the company wants that rare mineral. It’s the missing link to create the first artificial human that can be controlled. The firm’s intent is to use these “controlled” humans to put them in position of governmental power to allow the firm to have a monopoly in the science of artificial life. Now that the bio scientist knows this information, she knows it won’t be long till she is hunted down. So she must expose the truth and the CEO (who is behind the whole scheme) before she’s dead and the truth dies with her.

        I’m having a hard time creating a succinct explanation of the what she’s trying to stop, the plot is still, “stop the bad guy or else”  but the “or else” is not easy to put in just a few words.

        Here’s another version I thought of typing this out but I still think it’s wordy

        It’s 2151 and after the last land deposit of a rare mineral is purchased by her company, a timid bio scientist is in a race against time to expose her CEO’s true intent of creating the first artificial human to monopolize it’s science and control society.

        on May 15, 2020.
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