RE: When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship, she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits.

3rd attempt at this one, plese let me know if the protagonist goal etc are clearer now, dearest community.

maximdrygin Penpusher Asked on January 11, 2019 in Comedy.
Add Comment
3 Answers

I read your previous attempts and have to say this version is much better.
First your structure. You have all the necessary ingredients: the inciting incident: “finds her loved ones in financial hardship”, you have a clear goal “must use her lottery prediction to turn their lives around”, and the antagonist is the criminal lottery boss who wants to kill her.
That’s the first huge step in writing a good logline.
However, I’m not sure if financial hardship is enough in case of the stakes.
I get the financial point here, but I would go much further than that and write something like “bankruptcy” or “foreclosure” or maybe something along “protection money” if you want to write a thriller. That raises the stakes in a simple way.
Anyway, I’m curious to see what the others think of this.
I like it so far. Much better than the previous ones.
Maybe you can cut out the last few words.  42 words is a little bit too long.

savinh0 Samurai Reviewed on January 11, 2019.

Cheers. I contemplated bankruptcy too, yes. It is a bit too long on paper yes, keen to hear suggestions how to condense it if it works.

on January 11, 2019.
Add Comment

Your Answer

By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.