RE: When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship, she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits.
I read your previous attempts and have to say this version is much better.
First your structure. You have all the necessary ingredients: the inciting incident: “finds her loved ones in financial hardship”, you have a clear goal “must use her lottery prediction to turn their lives around”, and the antagonist is the criminal lottery boss who wants to kill her.
That’s the first huge step in writing a good logline.
However, I’m not sure if financial hardship is enough in case of the stakes.
I get the financial point here, but I would go much further than that and write something like “bankruptcy” or “foreclosure” or maybe something along “protection money” if you want to write a thriller. That raises the stakes in a simple way.
Anyway, I’m curious to see what the others think of this.
I like it so far. Much better than the previous ones.
Maybe you can cut out the last few words. 42 words is a little bit too long.