Penpusher Posted on March 7, 2019 in Comedy.
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    2 Review(s)

      I like the premise, sort of grumpy old men meets Gran Torino.

      However, the logline needs a few specifics.

      1: Don’t give away the end of the movie in the logline.
      If they are lifelong rivals, let us know they are ‘forced’ to team up,
      because half the fun of this story will be the bickering and fighting these two men do while they are trying to defend their turf.
      The dredging up of 50-year-old arguments, and the realization that the entire rivalry might have been based on a lie or misunderstanding.

      2: You describe the antagonist as ‘a new person‘ but that could describe just about every single person on the planet.
      If he is a gang leader, say gang leader, if he is a ruthless land developer determined to gentrify their neighborhood tell us that.

      3: Which brings me to my third point. What is the threat to the neighborhood? What are the stakes if the two leads do not succeed, what bad thing will happen?
      Simply saying the antagonist ‘threatens their neighborhood turf, is vague and doesn’t tell us what the stakes are.

      4: You used the term ‘turf’ in the logline. Does this mean the two rivals are old school gangsters who have turf? And they are trying to defend it from a young upstart?
      or are they just suburban neighbors who have lived next door for 50 years who don’t like each other?

      I am going to try to add all these elements together for an example but yours will probably be different:
      “When a shady land developer’s ruthless plan to gentrify the neighborhood threatens their houses, two feuding neighbors are forced to work together to stop the businessman’s plan before they lose their lifelong homes.”

      Singularity Answered on March 7, 2019.
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        This logline, in my opinion, should start with the inciting incident, “After a new person threatens…” and “Two (not 2) lifelong rivals…” should follow.. “Become friends” is the close of the final act and should be omitted, instead telling what happens during the second act. Also, the logline doesn’t portray that the genre is a comedy.

        Penpusher Answered on March 7, 2019.
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