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JessieSamurai
Posted: July 10, 20182018-07-10T22:43:15+10:00 2018-07-10T22:43:15+10:00In: SciFi

2112: the government is about to destroy a city?s ability for deep emotion, an outcast telepath must trade in her beloved, to rescue someone murdered in the past to start an uprising.

2112: the government is about to destroy a city?s ability for deep emotion, an outcast telepath must trade in her beloved, to rescue someone murdered in the past to start an uprising.
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    1. variable Uberwriter
      2018-07-10T22:52:49+10:00Added an answer on July 10, 2018 at 10:52 pm

      I have many questions — What do you mean by ‘deep emotion’? What do you mean by ‘an outcast telepath’? Why must he trade in her beloved, from whom and how? How can you rescue someone murdered in the past? How does it lead to an uprising?

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    2. Mike Pedley Singularity
      2018-07-10T23:04:43+10:00Added an answer on July 10, 2018 at 11:04 pm

      I have the same questions as variable. I’m so confused by so many elements of this logline that it hurts my brain. Check out the formula tab to help with formatting.

      Why is the government destroying the city dweller’s ability for deep emotion? Saying she’s going to “trade in” someone she loves… that’s makes her sound cold-hearted (which isn’t great for a protagonist… not only is she not saving the cat but she’s sacrificing her true love) and I struggle to understand why. Why is it only this person who was murdered who can start an uprising? How does one even go about trading in a loved one for a dead person??

      There’s a lot of double mumbo-jumbo in here – in this SciFi world governments can destroy emotion, there’s telepathy, the ability to bring people back from the dead, and/or possibly time travel(?). I worry that’s a lot for audiences to get their head around – particularly in a short! (If ‘double mumbo-jumbo’ means nothing to you, I highly recommend ‘Save the Cat!’ by Blake Snyder)

      I get that it’s set in 2112 BUT if this is on earth then mankind has evolved really far in 100 years! It’s a little unbelievable given how little we’ve evolved in the last 100 years. Our achievements have been technologically based. Unless this uses technology to make all of this possible (which is still a little far fetched – see double mumbo-jumbo above) then I would have concerns. If it’s not on earth – maybe add that in… 2112 Blargon Seven.?

      As variable asked – is this written already? If so, how many pages?

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    3. dpg Singularity
      2018-07-10T23:30:27+10:00Added an answer on July 10, 2018 at 11:30 pm

      Agree with the others.? The logline juggles too many balls.? I don’t know what the story is? about.? And I should be able to grasp that from a logline — immediately, 0n the 1st read.

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    4. Jessie Samurai
      2018-07-10T23:37:47+10:00Added an answer on July 10, 2018 at 11:37 pm

      Which part of it would you guys cut?

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    5. TullyArcher Samurai
      2018-07-11T01:48:18+10:00Added an answer on July 11, 2018 at 1:48 am

      First of all, this needs help grammatically. Second, the phrase “must trade in her beloved” is too… simple? Like… she’s either going to or not. And we assume she will. You’re supposed to mention the GOAL of the main character, but in a way that’s more about the struggle than just simple math, if that makes sense. I’m guessing that’s a specific PART of her goal to “start an uprising”, just like “rescue someone murdered” (which doesn’t make sense, because you can resurrect someone who’s already murdered, but if they’re already murdered, you hardly succeeded in rescuing them). I think you could drop both specific phrases and just mention the true overall goal of “start an uprising” and see if that cleans it up.

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