2112: the government is about to destroy a city’s ability for deep emotion, an outcast telepath must trade in her beloved, to rescue someone murdered in the past to start an uprising.
I have the same questions as variable. I’m so confused by so many elements of this logline that it hurts my brain. Check out the formula tab to help with formatting.
Why is the government destroying the city dweller’s ability for deep emotion? Saying she’s going to “trade in” someone she loves… that’s makes her sound cold-hearted (which isn’t great for a protagonist… not only is she not saving the cat but she’s sacrificing her true love) and I struggle to understand why. Why is it only this person who was murdered who can start an uprising? How does one even go about trading in a loved one for a dead person?
There’s a lot of double mumbo-jumbo in here – in this SciFi world governments can destroy emotion, there’s telepathy, the ability to bring people back from the dead, and/or possibly time travel(?). I worry that’s a lot for audiences to get their head around – particularly in a short! (If ‘double mumbo-jumbo’ means nothing to you, I highly recommend ‘Save the Cat!’ by Blake Snyder)
I get that it’s set in 2112 BUT if this is on earth then mankind has evolved really far in 100 years! It’s a little unbelievable given how little we’ve evolved in the last 100 years. Our achievements have been technologically based. Unless this uses technology to make all of this possible (which is still a little far fetched – see double mumbo-jumbo above) then I would have concerns. If it’s not on earth – maybe add that in… 2112 Blargon Seven.
As variable asked – is this written already? If so, how many pages?
Thank you.
I agree that it’s loaded and maybe a bit much. Merged two stories here. Can follow the hard to follow side. Will definitely look at it.
There are more answers in my reply to variable.
Personally, I don’t see raising questions as a bad thing. That means raising curiosity. And come on, seriously. 2112 is a fun number. And the story will also not fail , if it changes.
How the abilities develop is described in story.
No, raising questions/curiousity is not necessarily a bad thing BUT a logline is not there to provide a mystery that can only be solved by reading your screenplay. It’s there to provide a succinct synopsis so the reader knows exactly what your story is about. IF the reader of your logline has too many questions, that could be the difference between someone deciding to read your screenplay or not.
I agree 2112 is a great number (not least of all because of Rush and Ready Player One) BUT your setting, whether time or place, is a character in your story. And a character should never be included just because it’s fun. If people reading your logline don’t think the premise is plausible they won’t read your screenplay.
I’m sure they are described in the story but that won’t stop people asking questions about it here. As I said above, too many questions could just make the difference between this moving forward or not.
True that.
Well, the exact year doesn’t matter. So 2112 is an easy change.
I’m all good for cutting and simplifying. The hard part here for me right now, is deciding which element to go of. I would think, perhaps the time travel, for starters.
The “ telepathy” is the heart of my story. There are stories about aliens, metahumans and zombies… and oh yes, telepaths set in our current time. Currently on screen. So I don’t quite feel, I’ll need to overly justify telepathy in the future.
I really do appreciate your advice though!
The key person could of course be captured instead of killed….
pfew, given the danger they see in him, I may have to go very dark, unless they keep him sedated…
I do think I’m losing a powerful conflict for the protag, nothing cold about her. Imagine the emotional pain I’m putting the poor character through, having to make that choice. In the end, save one life or save many (that emotionless state, really counts as practically death in my books) even if that one life is the most precious to her, so…. I’d like to find a way to keep that. Something I’ll have to do, of course. 😁
I have many questions — What do you mean by ‘deep emotion’? What do you mean by ‘an outcast telepath’? Why must he trade in her beloved, from whom and how? How can you rescue someone murdered in the past? How does it lead to an uprising?
In guessing you are done with the script and are now trying to fit it into a logline 🙂
Oh, my friend, I have too many answers. Once more.
I’ll try though.
Done with script? Kinda sorta in my head. Still gotta type it. Lol
Well, there are guys with powers, let’s call them telepaths. The evil government is scared of them, as a rebellion is exactly what they can cause. so to subdue the population, and make them inaccessible to that particular telepathy, they will send out a signal that specifically modifies the brain so people can’t feel too much. (A bit like that drug in Equilibrium)
Everybody with those powers is outcast and if too powerful, murdered.
When she saves that key person, the change in the past makes “lose” her guy.
You’ll have to trust me on the details 😉. She can still undo it though.
How did she do that: The writer gave her that ability and has some tech to help her 😁
How to create the uprising? The key person is also a top level telepath. Two top telepaths + tech = telepathically making people aware of how they really feel about their oppression = uprising.
But finding compelling actions has always been my weak point.
Personally, I think this is too complicated for a short and I refer to my previous comments on double mumbo-jumbo. I really like some of the ideas in all this but I think it needs to be simplified. I think just having the protagonist sacrificing her beloved in order to save humanity is strong enough for a short without telepathy, resurrection, time travel and the ability to control emotions.
The basic rule for short films is come in to the story late and leave early. Ideally, a short should be around 10-15 mins long – particularly if you want to submit it to festivals. I think you’d have an impossible task if you tried to get all of that into 10-20 pages.
I see it and I agree.
Agree with the others. The logline juggles too many balls. I don’t know what the story is about. And I should be able to grasp that from a logline — immediately, 0n the 1st read.
Got it, thank you! Shorter, clearer, de-clog.
Which part of it would you guys cut?
I’ve just written a comment under your reply to variable but I’ll put it here too.
I think the sacrifice of her beloved to save mankind is great – primal, emotive and the perfect internal vs external conflict. However you said that telepathy is the heart of your story so in that case make it all about telepathy. The government wants to make telepathy illegal but the only way to find telepaths is telepathically and then they can use some magical macguffin that erases that ability. Hypocritical government! So the protagonist bands with her merry men to steal said macguffin and turns it on the government.
I think if telepathy is the heart – then make it JUST about telepathy. It’s a strong enough idea without all the other stuff confusing things. If the year doesn’t matter then (as much fun as 2112 is) either make it further in the future so evolution could be plausible or have it so that telepathy is a technological advance. You could have it so the government introduced “telepathfinders” – nanobots living in the brain that communicate with each giving the illusion of telepathy. Then the government is trying to destroy the technology it created.
There’s definitely something here but remember that most great stories are remarkably simple.
Oh and if you like telepathy – read the Chaos Walking trilogy. The author uses telepathy in really interesting ways.
Thank you! Putting it this way really helps me see how it can all fit together more clearly. I agree, and in fact what you describe is pretty similar to how it’s intended, if I cut the time travel shenanigans! The telepathy, is in fact based on something I believe to be very real, I won’t go into details, thank you for your suggestions, they’re great! but what it means and what it truly is, is something, where I feel I can’t compromise.
This sounds a fair lot like my original story, I based this one on, actually. I feared, it was too weak. It wasn’t interesting enough, if I didn’t add more and more. Silly, self- conscious writers lol.
Go with your gut! Maybe write a logline for the original story and see what feedback you get for that. This may clarify whether it’s too weak/not interesting enough – it could also help address these issues. People on this site are great at, not only evaluating loglines, but coming up with ways to improve the whole story. Definitely don’t compromise on something that you feel is a strong idea, I’m merely throwing stuff around for funsies 🙂
Hmmm. Good advice, thanks.
Love the feedback I got, very useful. Maybe in a bit. I suspected it was too much for this one, but didn’t know how to fix it. The original story could be hahah, their origin story.
You got cool ideas. Really like them. Impossible to tell, of course, if a concept presented here is in its infancy or already feels solid to the writer.
Jessie
It’s a short.