250 Years into the future, the US and others have shied more and more from democracy. A Young Man working for NASA is chosen to be part of a team mission to explore a new planet found far away that could potentially be a new home for humans, away from corrupt governments and war. The discoveries he and his team make will change them forever.

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    250 Years into the future, the US and others have shied more and more from democracy. A Young Man working for NASA is chosen to be part of a team mission to explore a new planet found far away that could potentially be a new home for humans, away from corrupt governments and war. The discoveries he and his team make will change them forever.

    Penpusher Posted on May 4, 2017 in SciFi.

    In 2267, America has shied more and more away from its values. Living in a world with increasing corruption and endless war, A young, small-time astronaut is losing faith in humanity and believes there’s something better, And when he is chosen to jbe part of a mission to find a new home for humans, he and his team set out for a life changing journey.

    on May 5, 2017.
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      >>>What if i want to keep the discovery a secret from the viewer and allow the audience to make this dicovery with the characters.

      Your target market for the logline is not movie viewers.  Your target market is movie makers.   A logline is a sales pitch of the unproduced script  to producers and directors  — not a sales pitch of the  finished movie to an audience. And  it needs to be tailored to its target market.

      Movie makers want to know what’s so special about your story that makes it different from all the other space movies.  (Sending people off to colonize another planet because earth has gone to hell in a hand basket is not an original story concept.)  

      If your logline engages in a game of hide and seek, they aren’t going to play along.  They don’t have the time nor patience for that game.  They simply won’t read the script.

      Let me clarify and expand on what I mean because it’s a common mistake I see in loglines.  Writers come up with a sure-fire, life-changing, awesome Big Reveal for their stories — but then won’t reveal it in their logline. They seem to think that merely suggesting there is one is a sufficient hook to get people to read the scripts.  

      It isn’t.  

      For the purpose of a logline and a plot, the Big Reveal, the Shocking Discovery,  is not a story hook.

      I don’t know when this Shocking Discovery your playing hide and seek with occurs in your story. But if it occurs  late in the story, after the midpoint, say at the end of Act 2 or the start of Act 3, then it shouldn’t even be mentioned or hinted in the logline.

      As an example, take the original “Planet of the Apes”.  It has the Shocking Discovery in the last minute of  the movie,  and it’s one of the most famous Shocking Discoveries in the history of cinema. 

      But that Shocking Discovery would never be revealed, suggested, hinted or implied in a logline (as I’m under the impression  yours is doing).  One would not write a logline for the story along the lines of, say,  “An astronaut struggles to escape from captivity on a planet where apes rule over people only to make a shocking discovery.”

      Why? Because, to repeat, the Shocking Discovery. the Big Reveal,  is not a story hook for the purpose of a logline.  

      What is a story hook, anyway?  A story hook is the factor that will keep a script reader (and a movie audience) interested in the story,  keep them wanting to read, wanting to watch UNTIL the Shocking Discovery, the Big Reveal.    You can’t string a reader along on a  tease that the last 15-30 minutes has a Shocking Discovery so fantastic, it will be worth their while to wait… and wait… and wait… wait some more… wait, you’re almost there… wait it’s coming!…

      Don’t tease them with the promise of story bait to come.  Bait the hook and plant it  ASAP in the 1st Act and keep them hooked all the way through to the Big Reveal and onward to the Fade Out.

      The story hook in “Planet of the Apes” is that an astronaut seems to have crashed on a planet where roles are reversed, where apes rule over humans, keeping them as pets and work animals.  And it’s a great hook,  one that launched a lucrative film franchise.

      What I don’t see (yet) in your logline is a  hook, a compelling narrative factor,  that will keep a script reader (or movie viewer) interested in the story until your Shocking Discovery. 

      So what’s the story hook planted in the 1st Act of  your script that will keep a script reader wanting to read until you turn over the card of the Shocking Discovery?

      fwiw

      Singularity Answered on May 5, 2017.

      Great advice about the logline being for film producers. Certainly should be a considerable angle to explore, but a producer is a reader too and the solid elements we learn at this site apply to all.

      As the saying goes in this crazy business, “know who your writing for.” Not bad idea to carry several loglines when pitching, depending who your target is.

      on May 5, 2017.
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        From reading this logline, this seems more like the set-up to the story; (The back story) than the story itself.

        I could be wrong, but the story seems to be about the lead character and his team exploring the new planet, If that is the case that’s what the logline should be about.

        Singularity Answered on May 4, 2017.

        Its still in very early stages, but i wanted to have the movie almost in three general settings. Starting with the future world that the characters inhabit on earth, then the journey on Ship to the planet, and then the time spent on the new planet.

        on May 4, 2017.
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          It can begin with something like…

          Fleeing from tyranny, a spacecraft sets forth to colonize a nearby planet that will promise to be free of government control. Upon arrival, they find…

          Now you still need to include something about what awaits them and what they must overcome to make their dream a reality before something bad happens to them.

          Summitry Answered on May 4, 2017.
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            As Richiev said.   The logline sets up a situation for a plot, but it doesn’t seems to have a plot.

            The plot of the story is not the discovery, but what they must do in response to the discovery.  The discovery is an event that ”changes them forever”  — well,  that’s what an inciting incident is supposed to do! 

            So whatever the discovery is, it is the game changer, and the logline shouldn’t hide it.

            What is discovered and as a result what becomes the dramatic goal in response to the discovery?  What jeopardy does the discovery create?  And what are the stakes?

            fwiw

            Singularity Answered on May 4, 2017.

            What if i want to keep the discovery a secret from the viewer and allow the audience to make this dicovery with the characters. Can I keep the specifics out and still give enough to peak interest and convey possibility of story.

            on May 4, 2017.

            You should give them a general idea of what they will face. Supernatural? Monster? God?  Food supply like the Martian movie, etc…

            on May 4, 2017.
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              >>>>but i wanted to have the movie almost in three general settings.

              Okay, but what’s the unity of action that ties them together, aka the spine of the story?  Whatever it is, that is what the logline should be about.

              Singularity Answered on May 4, 2017.
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                What obstacles are they facing? Is it the travel? Is it what they find when they get there?

                Logliner Answered on May 4, 2017.
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                  I guess we would should start from the basics, Who is the lead character and what do they want?

                  Singularity Answered on May 4, 2017.
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