3RD DRAFT…..The idyllic life of an adolescent surfer drastically changes when his family moves to pre-revolution Tehran, an American melting pot submerged in an alien culture where certain realities are but an illusion.

    Penpusher Posted on March 11, 2019 in Historical.
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    12 Review(s)

      I looked at the first version and it actually paints more of the picture. Here’s an example of a clearer logline (not trying to make it great) that adds something that might already be in the story.

      In pre-revolution Tehran, a SoCal adolescent lives the easy life in an ex-pat community and befriends a (description) Iranian developing anti-American feelings.

      If there is no such friend or girlfriend, then add the thing that dramatizes and personalizes the conflict.

      Mentor Answered on March 12, 2019.

      The life of a SoCal adolescent drastically changes when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he stumbles upon the ancient art of falconry through the unlikely adoption of eagle.

      on March 18, 2019.
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        There is so little difference between this version and the 2nd draft that I’m just going to repost the same comments (apologies for being blunt – I think there could be something in this idea but there is no story in either draft – YET).

        This isn’t really a logline. It’s simply a setup. Check out the “Our formula” tab for help with formatting.

        In future, if you could also just post one version of a logline and allow feedback and then keep revisions within that initial post that would be great. It allows users to follow the evolution of an logline.

        Why does it matter that he’s a surfer? What is this character’s goal? It needs to be tied to the inciting incident (in this case, moving to Tehran). What is actually happening to this character? Where is the conflict?

        Overlord Answered on March 11, 2019.

        The life of a SoCal adolescent drastically changes when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he stumbles upon the ancient art of falconry through the unlikely adoption of eagle.

        on March 18, 2019.
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          Agree, and this is the first version I thought about.

          The setting is dramatic, now clarify the drama for the protag. It could be clearer if the move angers the guy. But then what? If this is character-driven and not a plot-based objective, still paint the picture of what he does most of the time.

          >> where certain realities are but an illusion

          Either the story is hidden in these words or they can be cut and the rest of the logline should convey the point.

          Mentor Answered on March 11, 2019.
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            As I re-read this, I’m prompted to add a little and shift the wording around. While it gives me a better sense of direction as to where my story needs to go, I’m certain I have a longer way to go with just the logline alone. This exercise is incredibly helpful and prompts more rewrites on the story that  I’ve come up with so far. Thank you for continuing to help me along.
            The real meat of the story revolves around the effects of  fast paced westernization on a society that was ill prepared to absorb. I’m most mindful of accurate portrayals as opposed to making a political statements.  Early 70s Iran was an obscure but significant window in history.
            Anyway, here goes another stab. Hopefully I’m getting closer.
            Thanks……

            The idyllic life of a SoCal adolescent is upended when his family relocates to pre-revolution Tehran, he faces coming of age struggles within a foreign culture and an American melting pot whose certain realities are but an illusion.

            Penpusher Answered on March 12, 2019.

            The life of a SoCal adolescent drastically changes when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he stumbles upon the ancient art of falconry through the unlikely adoption of eagle.

            on March 18, 2019.
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              The idyllic life of a SoCal adolescent is upended when his family migrates to pre-revolution Tehran where his westernized coming of age conflicts with a peculiar culture and an American melting pot of illusionary realities.

              Penpusher Answered on March 12, 2019.
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                The idyllic life of a SoCal adolescent is upended when his family migrates to pre-revolution Tehran where his westernized coming of age conflicts with a peculiar culture and an American melting pot of illusionary realities.

                Penpusher Answered on March 13, 2019.
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                  >> The real meat of the story revolves around the effects of fast paced westernization on a society that was ill prepared to absorb.

                  Okay. But what’s the conflict for the protag?  The latest logline still paints a small mental picture. The real meat mentioned is not sensed in the latest logline and it sounds like an Iranian would be a more dramatic protag.

                  >> pre-revolution Tehran

                  This threw me off and made me think there’s an anti-American component. Instead, state the year or clarify with other words.

                  Instead of telling us things like “drastically changes” and “realities…illusion,”  make us feel and picture them.

                  Mentor Answered on March 13, 2019.

                  Thanks Rob,

                  You can see that I am a little confused on how to best post my rewrites. Do you suggest I do so in the “Review” block or as a comment to each “Review”?

                  Anyway, this is my latest version. I’m with you an the “pre revolution” thing and will continue to work on that…

                  The idyllic life of a SoCal adolescent is upended when his family migrates to pre-revolution Tehran where his westernized coming of age collides with a peculiar culture and an American melting pot of illusionary realities.

                  on March 13, 2019.

                  I’m too new here to comment on the workings of the site.

                  As for the logline, I still have the same concerns. Instead of another version with tweaks, write a brief sentence about what the teen does most of the time. A brief sentence about the conflict. What is the A Story and what is the B? Or what are 2-3 major sequences or storylines? Is there a love interest or who is the second most important character? Be specific about what we can visualize.

                  Instead of the vague and annoying illusions and realities, tell us specifically what is meant by that. Then we can offer better help to finesse the log. Is it the teen who feels the Western life in Iran is an illusion? If yes, why? What does he do about it or what happens to him because of it?

                  Not sure how melting pot fits when that’s said about immigrants in America.

                  All I get so far is that an American teen with an idyllic life moves to another country that is becoming Americanized, so it’s a little less than idyllic.

                  on March 13, 2019.

                  Thanks Rob.
                  Sure wish I could better articulate what I see clearly in my head.
                  Especially in a single sentence.
                  I am thoroughly enjoying the exercise.
                  You might guess that this is semi-autobiographical.

                  on March 14, 2019.
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                    >>>The real meat of the story revolves around the effects of  fast paced westernization on a society that was ill prepared to absorb.

                    So what dramatic conflict arises in a society ill-prepared to absorb westernization? Does this conflict culminate in the character being  swept up in the Iranian Revolution?  If so, what must the boy do?  What becomes his objective goal? 

                    If it doesn’t culminate in the  Revolution, why not?

                    Singularity Answered on March 15, 2019.

                    This piece focuses on an era where Iran enjoyed relative obscurity; the years leading up to the revolution.
                    This was an incredibly unique window in history.  I am attempting to portray the co-mingling of a fascinating culture and fast growing expat population.  It offers a virtual palette for character development and varying story lines.

                    on March 16, 2019.

                    The life of a SoCal adolescent dramatically changes when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he stumbles upon the ancient art of falconry through the unlikely adoption of eagle.

                    on March 18, 2019.
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                      On the plus side, you are drawing from the well of your own experience.  So the film you have in mind  will feel authentic to a movie audience in terms of the details of life in pre-revolutionary Iran.

                      But when I look at your logline, I see a situation for a plot — but I don’t see a plot.  I get no sense of what objective goal arises for the main character as a result of the cultural and social tensions.  A logline is a succinct statement of a plot  And a mandatory element in a plot, and hence in a logline (as explained in the formula), is  an objective goal the protagonist, something he wants to achieve or have badly.

                      For a moment, forget about presenting a polished logline  that hits all the marks in terms of the mandatory elements.  All I want to know right now is the teenager’s objective goal.  What is it?  What does he want?  What must he do by the end of the film?

                      Singularity Answered on March 17, 2019.

                      The life of a SoCal adolescent is upended when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled with homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he is further impacted by the unlikely acquisition of a falcon.

                      on March 17, 2019.
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                        >>> he is further impacted by the unlikely acquisition of a falcon.

                        Ah,  he acquires a falcon.  This could be your story hook.  Don’t  hide it, flaunt it, build your logline around it.  Training and working with a falcon could be the basis for an interesting story in any country or culture in any era.

                        Now then:  the current version of the logline portrays him as passive victim of circumstances.  How does acquiring the falcon serve as a catalyst to transform him from a passive to a proactive character? He acquires a falcon and then what?

                        Singularity Answered on March 18, 2019.

                        The life of a SoCal adolescent upends when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled with homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, an unlikely hawk adoption prompts a divergent journey into the ancient art of falconry.

                        on March 18, 2019.

                        37 words. Shit!

                        on March 18, 2019.
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