3RD DRAFT…..The idyllic life of an adolescent surfer drastically changes when his family moves to pre-revolution Tehran, an American melting pot submerged in an alien culture where certain realities are but an illusion.

steavboyd Penpusher Asked on March 11, 2019 in Historical.
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12 Review(s)

I looked at the first version and it actually paints more of the picture. Here’s an example of a clearer logline (not trying to make it great) that adds something that might already be in the story.

In pre-revolution Tehran, a SoCal adolescent lives the easy life in an ex-pat community and befriends a (description) Iranian developing anti-American feelings.

If there is no such friend or girlfriend, then add the thing that dramatizes and personalizes the conflict.

Robb Ross Samurai Reviewed on March 12, 2019.

The life of a SoCal adolescent drastically changes when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he stumbles upon the ancient art of falconry through the unlikely adoption of eagle.

on March 18, 2019.
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There is so little difference between this version and the 2nd draft that I’m just going to repost the same comments (apologies for being blunt – I think there could be something in this idea but there is no story in either draft – YET).

This isn’t really a logline. It’s simply a setup. Check out the “Our formula” tab for help with formatting.

In future, if you could also just post one version of a logline and allow feedback and then keep revisions within that initial post that would be great. It allows users to follow the evolution of an logline.

Why does it matter that he’s a surfer? What is this character’s goal? It needs to be tied to the inciting incident (in this case, moving to Tehran). What is actually happening to this character? Where is the conflict?

mikepedley85 Overlord Reviewed on March 11, 2019.

The life of a SoCal adolescent drastically changes when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he stumbles upon the ancient art of falconry through the unlikely adoption of eagle.

on March 18, 2019.
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Agree, and this is the first version I thought about.

The setting is dramatic, now clarify the drama for the protag. It could be clearer if the move angers the guy. But then what? If this is character-driven and not a plot-based objective, still paint the picture of what he does most of the time.

>> where certain realities are but an illusion

Either the story is hidden in these words or they can be cut and the rest of the logline should convey the point.

Robb Ross Samurai Reviewed on March 11, 2019.
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As I re-read this, I’m prompted to add a little and shift the wording around. While it gives me a better sense of direction as to where my story needs to go, I’m certain I have a longer way to go with just the logline alone. This exercise is incredibly helpful and prompts more rewrites on the story that  I’ve come up with so far. Thank you for continuing to help me along.
The real meat of the story revolves around the effects of  fast paced westernization on a society that was ill prepared to absorb. I’m most mindful of accurate portrayals as opposed to making a political statements.  Early 70s Iran was an obscure but significant window in history.
Anyway, here goes another stab. Hopefully I’m getting closer.
Thanks……

The idyllic life of a SoCal adolescent is upended when his family relocates to pre-revolution Tehran, he faces coming of age struggles within a foreign culture and an American melting pot whose certain realities are but an illusion.

steavboyd Penpusher Reviewed on March 12, 2019.

The life of a SoCal adolescent drastically changes when his family migrates to 1970’s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, he stumbles upon the ancient art of falconry through the unlikely adoption of eagle.

on March 18, 2019.
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