A body filled with different personalities, whom are struggling to deal with their own problems whilst trying to protect the woman in their group from the judging nature of todays society.
I recommend reading the “Our formula” page to help with formatting. Specifically, this logline currently has no inciting incident, no clear protagonist, no obvious objective goal and no stakes. It’s also a little confusing to read. Is the body all the personalities reside in the woman? Or is the woman another personality inside the body? Why does the woman need protecting? Isn’t this a little old-fashioned or is there another reason why she’s at risk?
Who is the character that this whole story revolves around? Is it one of the different personalities or the woman? Ideally, it should be one character as it’s a lot easier for an audience to emotional react to a story when there is just one primary character that the viewer sees the world through.
What happens to this character that turns her life upside down and kick starts this story? This is really important as it also gives us her objective goal – correcting the balance thrown off by this incident.
What is the protagonist trying to achieve? Ok, protect the woman – but that’s simply a method of achieving the goal. The objective is to finish the race, not just say you’re running in it. This goal, as mentioned above, should clearly relate to the inciting incident – they are two sides of the scales. It needs to be a visual goal because film is a visual medium.
What happens if the goal isn’t achieved? What is at risk? Without this the audience simply won’t care. I want to know why it’s so important that this woman is kept safe.
So the antagonistic forces are the judging nature in today’s society… that’s something that everyone has to deal with these days. This website being a perfect example of this. People, to a certain extent, want to be judged as a means of acceptance or validation. Why should she be exempt from this? Why, specifically, is this antagonistic force so important to this woman. A good exercise is to write a logline from the antagonist’s perspective – even if it’s not a person, imagine it is with an agenda. It can really help solidify the protagonist, stakes and goal.
At the moment, this is more of a setup and we need a lot more specifics to understand what this story is actually about.
Hope this helps.
“A body filled with different personalities, whom are struggling to deal with their own problems whilst trying to protect the woman in their group from the judging nature of todays society.” (31 words)
Here’s my breakdown:
Inciting incident: None described in logline.
https://thewritepractice.com/inciting-incident/ —–> I suggest taking a look at this link.
Protagonist: “A body filled with different personalities,” —-> Confusing. Like Richiev mentioned, describe the protagonist with the condition, not the condition. Such as “a woman with dis associative identity disorder” or even “a woman with multiple personalities”
Goal: “trying to protect the woman in their group from the judging nature of todays society.” —-> Does not describe a clear, objective goal. How do you protect someone from “the judging nature of today’s society”?
Antagonist: “today’s society” —-> Is there a specific character/group?
I suggest looking through the formula tab, and other logline posts and the feedback they receive. This logline is unclear, and lacks elements.