A country footballer is on a quest to avenge his mother’s murder, find a missing woman and put his team on the road to premiership glory.
Country footballer… do you mean he plays for his country? Or he lives in the countryside? I think it would be better to replace this word with an adjective that hints at his arc. So what’s his biggest flaw?
I can understand the goal to get his team on the road to Premiership glory. Finding a missing woman… surely that’s the police are for? Avenging his mother’s murder… surely that gets in the way of his goal of putting his team on the road to Premiership glory?
We need to know what the event is that kicks this story off. What’s the inciting incident? That will determine the goal.
It feels a little muddled at the moment and I have no idea what sort of film this is. I struggle to see where the action is coming from too.
A logline is a brief statement of a plot. The Greek philosopher Aristotle defined a plot in terms of a protagonist pursuing a singular objective goal. Not two, or three goals — but one overarching goal. And that has been the working convention in Western drama ever since.
So the logline needs to be reworked to define one — and only one — overarching objective. Any other goal the protagonist has in the plot is a sub-goal, a milestone necessary to accomplishing the overarching objective goal. And again, a logline is only concerned wit the overarching objective goal — not any of the sub-goals.