A CSIS agent returns to duty to stop an eco-terrorist leader who’s missing his original face, and his followers who are in possession of the American government’s plans for the next 81 years.

    Samurai Posted on April 28, 2019 in Action.

    title: BIG BEAR OF TERROR

    on April 28, 2019.
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    5 Review(s)

      Clarify if this takes place in Canada or the US.

      Explaining why he has to return- why can’t another agent work the case?- will help flesh him out. Though is that the extent of the irony? Doesn’t seem like a big deal for an agent to do what he used to do.

      What are the stakes, the terrorist’s plan?

      Missing his face is a detail for the script, unless it’s clarified in the logline to be more signifcant.

      Even with suspension of disbelief, the 81 years part is a turn-off because there’s no sense or relatability to it. Is there something more specific to this that got lost in translation? A plan for a few months from now?

      Mentor Answered on April 29, 2019.
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        henb, this site is free but we ask that you also return the favour by reviewing 2 loglines for each logline you post. So, please review 4 loglines from other writers before posting any more. I have put your  newest 3 loglines on hold until you have contributed your part. Thank you.

        Samurai Answered on April 29, 2019.
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          While this isn’t bad writing, it is not a successful logline in my opinion. You present our protagonist, and then you present some other aspects of our narrative world, but it lacks a clear plot. A CSIS agent returns to duty (okay, that’s good set-up) to stop an eco-terrorist (alright, there’s his antagonist) who’s missing his original face (what? clearly this needs set-up in your world, since in our known universe people don’t lose their faces, but to avoid over complicating your logline by explaining the scifi nature of this world, maybe just not mention that. Execs will learn it when they read your script, but for now just him being an eco-terrorist is enough), and his followers who are yada yada (this part makes very little sense as well. 81 years? That’s a random length of time. And why does it matter that they have the government’s plans? If you’re adding info, you need to also include why it adds to the antagonism of the plot).

          So, An ex-CSIS agent returns to duty to stop an eco-terrorist, that’s all good. I would cut the rest and figure out a way to integrate more succinct but important details to the plot.

          Penpusher Answered on April 30, 2019.
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            LOGLINE UPDATE #1:

            The best agent working for CSIS is given a secret mission to stop an eco-terrorist leader and his co-conspirators from making the government’s devious plans for the next eighty-one years public knowledge.

            Samurai Answered on October 20, 2019.

            While it’s definitely better than your original logline, the main thing I have an issue with is… I don’t exactly care which side wins.  Environmentalism is a good thing.  Radical?  Maybe not, although it’s increasingly understandable.  Government stopping terrorism is generally a good thing.  But 81 years of devious plans?  Sounds like they’re bad too.  Also, I guess this might get some people in the government fired… but I’m used to the government just denying/explaining everything away, and making strategic apologies, like they do after a Wikileaks incident.

            on October 21, 2019.

            You should be rooting for the villains, although the government is considered the protagonists.

            on October 23, 2019.
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              There the problem of suspension of disbelief that goes along with any story.

              In the case of your story, the reader has to suspend their disbelief that the US government is competent enough to carry out an 81-year plan.

              Singularity Answered on October 22, 2019.

              Their 81 year plan is simply more of the same antics they are famous for, involving mass entertainment/sedation and population control (though the amount of deaths will rise exponentially as the years pass).

              on October 23, 2019.
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