Dark Galaxy 9
IvyEight6Penpusher
After cyborgs invade their planet, a cyborg hunter and his crew must stop them from destroying the human race.
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Finds himself is an ambiguous inciting incident. Maybe something like “crash-lands in” or “gets stranded on”… then you need to add some connection between his presence and the invasion. Maybe a logline like this:
When a cyborg hunter crash-lands on a cyborg planet, he learns of their plan to invade his home world and must find a way to stop them.
You could also try to make it so he inadvertently instigates the war.
To be honest, he has a team to do that.
Okay… then “and he, and his crew, must find a way to stop them”
I revised it.
Who are “They”?
Darn, no edit button… What I meant to say is;’ is the ‘They’ as in ‘Their planet’ the Cyborg hunter and his crew?
Okay, then.
I edited it already.
Change “invades” to “invade” and remove “by an evil emperor” and you have a mostly okay logline. The only thing is “their” and “them” are ambiguous. You need to change the wording to fix that.
I fixed it.
Hi IvyEight6,
INTENTION: must stop from destroying the human race.
OBSTACLE: cyborgs invade their planet.
Attempt 1:
When his planet is invaded by cyborgs, a cyborg hunter and a ragtag group of survivors must stop them from completely eliminating the human race.
Notes:
– Admittedly, your first logline is fine but I’ve just pushed down on some things.
– I made it “a ragtag group of survivors” to make it less easy. Give it more conflict. “A cyborg hunter and his crew” suggests they’re probably gonna win.
Attempt 2:
After the planet is invaded by killer cyborgs, a cyborg hunter and a ragtag group of survivors must stop them from killing the last woman on Earth.
– I’m just playing with the idea here and giving them something more to prevent than “destroying the human race”. That’s quite a general thing. (It’s good but general.) If it’s the last woman on Earth – they really, really do have to kill these things to save civilisation and repopulate the human race.
– Interestingly, you could switch it.
Attempt 3:
After the planet is invaded by killer cyborgs, a female cyborg hunter and her ragtag crew of female survivors must stop them from killing the last man on Earth.
– Normally I wouldn’t add “killer” to cyborgs but I figured we should know straight away they’re not just invading – they are eliminating, killing, etc.
– Regardless – cool idea.
Good luck!
I want to be like Terminator meets Star Wars.