LibariLogliner Posted: June 16, 20202020-06-16T02:19:48+10:00 2020-06-16T02:19:48+10:00In: AdventureA cynical sellsword joins forces with a mysterious traveler to conceal a wish-granting treasure when he learns that the King who hired him to find it will use it to become an all-powerful tyrant.– ShareFacebook5 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentMike Pedley United Kingdom (UK) 67 Loglines 641 Reviews 100 Best Reviews 51,023 Points View ProfileBest Answer Mike Pedley Singularity 2020-06-16T07:55:22+10:00Added an answer on June 16, 2020 at 7:55 am The protagonist should never be forced to go on his quest. He MUST go willingly into the second act.I feel like I’m missing some information. Who is the crown fighting? Surely everyone is questing after this? We need to understand why it’s so important the travellers get there first. What happens if the crown gets it? Basically, we need to know what’s at stake.The problem is with wish-granting artefacts is that it could just be the ultimate deus ex machina. Aladdin works because nobody knows he has it, he can be selfish if he wants and nobody will judge him but himself (and the genie, a rug, and a monkey obvs) – neatly giving him his arc. Thanos works because he wants only one thing. No wishing for more wishes. He doesn’t want the power, even going so far as to destroy it. So without knowing what the goal is for the wishes on either side of the equation, it’s difficult to know what this is really about. The goal isn’t to get the treasure – it’s what you do with it next. I think the reader needs that piece of info.Surely a wish-granting treasure doesn’t need to be weaponised. You just wish your enemies gone. You don’t need weapons anymore.Does he go from cynic to believer?Hope this helps in some way. 0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppRichiev 61 Loglines 3,410 Reviews 308 Best Reviews 81,435 Points View ProfileBest Answer Richiev Singularity 2020-06-16T20:04:23+10:00Added an answer on June 16, 2020 at 8:04 pm You need to make this personal to the lead character0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppLibari 5 Loglines 3 Reviews 2 Best Reviews 156 Points View ProfileBest Answer Libari Logliner 2020-06-19T23:33:44+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2020 at 11:33 pm Redid the logline!0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppdpg 105 Loglines 5,558 Reviews 559 Best Reviews 111,953 Points View ProfileBest Answer dpg Singularity 2020-06-22T01:12:02+10:00Added an answer on June 22, 2020 at 1:12 am If the treasure can grant wishes, why doesn’t the protagonist just wish for the death or at least the dethroning of the bad king? Problem solved.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppthedarkhorse 99 Loglines 274 Reviews 16 Best Reviews 6,275 Points View ProfileBest Answer thedarkhorse Mentor 2020-06-22T22:00:05+10:00Added an answer on June 22, 2020 at 10:00 pm Hi Libari,I have to admit there’s a lot to digest there at first read.Lets have a look… INTENTION – conceal a wish-granting treasure. OBSTACLE – the King who hired him to find it will use it to become an all-powerful tyrant.A sellsword sets out to destroy a wish-granting treasure when he finds out his land’s king will use it to become an all-powerful tryant.– “conceal” felt soft to me. Less of a challenge. Treasure sounds dangerous and “ring-like” if he sets out to destroy it.– wasn’t sure how necessary “mysterious traveler” is to the logline.– for less words I got rid of “cynical” as well – though it does suggest the character’s potential arc. Keep it for now I imagine.Anyways – good luck with this!0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to can add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?