The logline for a feature film project, Mind Entity. While this is the second logline I posted on this site, I’m planning on making this the third feature I produce (the logline for the second project will be coming soon). Also for anyone who’s wondering, yes, this will be a horror movie, and not a tame one either. As this involves snuff films, I will be depicting the death scenes as realistically, as graphically, and as horrifying as possible (while still keeping it fake of course, I’m not a psycho). Just a warning if you do plan on seeing the finished product.
Glare FilmsPenpusher
Criminal investigator Darryl Blake groups with four detective trainees to gather evidence involving snuff video related crimes taken place at a university. While insisting ASPD student Matthew Efflick may be the culprit, almost little to no evidence can be found to prove it; all while he’s continuing his murderous pursuit.
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Richiev
Using a detective organization as your lead doesn’t draw the reader in. It’s impersonal.
Instead, you should have a lead character in your logline. Someone to who the reader can attach and want to follow.
Glare Films
Thank you so much for the suggestion! I’ll admit, I wasn’t too focused on a main lead as I didn’t know how to make them interesting without being cliche. My last logline at least had a descriptive protagonist and after reading your answer on this current one, yes, I could do better at describing a character the reader can follow. I’ll be spending a little bit more time developing an actual protagonist and then edit the logline, incorporating them into it. If there’s anything else that you think needs to be changed or included, by all means let me know. Thanks for the feedback!
Odie
Ideas:
1. “A recently transferred detective …” (fish out of water).
2. Does your detective have a flaw or quirk? There are many detective tropes, give us something unique.
3. Four detective trainees are a lot to keep up with, what about one trainee?
4. Nothing more frustrating than a detective with blinders on – focused on the wrong suspect. Maybe the trainee alludes to this fact, so they should be the detective’s astute partner?
5. As a reader, I don’t immediately equate graphic snuff footage to the horror genre, as your premise follows a detective’s arc and is not solely focused on the snuff footage POV. In saying this, draw upon the psychological thriller concepts to strengthen your premise e.g., Se7en, 8mm, The Silence of the Lambs.
Glare Films
Thank you for the response! After reading your suggestions I’ve realized that the way I wrote my logline is not how I originally envisioned it. It turns out that by introducing the detective character first, it gave people the impression that I was making a crime thriller instead of a horror movie. My intention was to put the focus on Matthew Efflick killing college students in grotesque ways on camera and use Darryl Blake as a tool to build suspense as Matthew hides his evidence. The way I wrote it made it seem as if the focus was on a detective (which wouldn’t be a bad idea either), but that wasn’t my original idea for the project and I’ll probably gave to rewrite the logline. But in any case, thanks for the feedback!