A family man teams up with a priest to stop the ghost of a murderer – a man whose death he is responsible for, and who is bent on revenge.
I think the logline needs to make it more clear that the man is trying to stop the ghost from killing people.
So this family man killed a guy? How come he’s not in prison?
Why does it have to be this guy who has to stop the ghost? I get there’s a history but maybe it would work better if a few elements were clearer. Maybe this family man accidentally killed this murderer, and now the ghost is back and making it look like it was the family man who’s been doing the recent killings. It needs to be made personal so it can’t be anyone but him.
Why 15 years later? What’s the trigger? Even if it was “many years” I’d still be wondering why now.
What’s the protagonist’s flaw?
Why does the ghost have to be a murderer? Wouldn’t it be more interesting if it was an innocent? That’s a much more haunting past and one which he’d definitely like to keep under wraps.
Hope this helps in some way. Interested to see where it goes.
At 30 words – this still needs to be chopped down a bit.
INTENTION: Stop this man/ghost from killing more people.
OBSTACLE: He’s a ghost. More so, he’s a manifestation of a past he’d rather keep hidden.
STAKES: It’s life or death. He’s got a wife. A family. A town that loves him.
Kept in his “family man” so you know the stakes.
I got rid of “old foe” – I think that’s innate.
I left in “fifteen” as it’s specific. I suppose you could do “many”.
I wasn’t sure whether to do “killed” or “murdered”. I want you to know he’s a good guy who killed a bad guy – but not by legal means.
I suppose you could do…
A family man is haunted by the ghost of a killer he murdered fifteen years ago, and sets out to stop him, as violent murders pile up around his town. – changes the chemistry a bit. The alliteration of “murder” makes the family man and the killer sound just as bad as each other.
Admittedly, I’m just playing around while trying to figure out my FESTIVE FAMILY DRAMA. (I might have to abandon that one – I got ten pages yesterday before I realised the conflict isn’t there. Also, the characters were underdeveloped. The whole thing, half-baked.)
A family man teams up with a priest to stop the ghost of a murderer, killing people in his town – a man he killed and whose murder he covered up.
A retired judge teams up with a priest to stop the ghost of a murderer – a man whose death he is responsible for, and who is bent on revenge.
I still like the “good, normal everyday family man” part. His flaw is that he killed someone and covered it up. He swallowed his own morals and ethics.