A family of four move into a house in a small house only to find out there is more than meets the eye, the house sucks people alive. how will the family survive?
Too many words for a simple premise. First, you can easily just ditch “there is more than meets the eye,” a generality used for suspense retardation. But we don’t need retardations and drum rolls in a logline. Go straight to the specifics: the house sucks. Sorry—it does what?
Give us a clue about what kind of house it is and how come they ended up in it. It may not be necessary, but it will hint something about the plot and give some idea about what makes this story unique.
I suppose they are trapped in it. Are they tourists? (Is the building a monument? Is it an Airbnb?) Are they the new tenants? (Is it this beauty?)
When trapped in an abandoned Transylvanian castle, a family of tourists must survive its vampiric nature until sunrise.
Then, we need to get an idea of how we experience the vampiric nature visually. Is there a threatening entity? Do we see spectres levitating in the study and the kitchen? Do doors lock by themselves? Do knives fly across the room, towards the protagonists? Do the protagonists have energy-draining nightmares? All these sound like clichés, because they’ve been done before. What is the fresh approach that your story has?
We suppose that they don’t find out that they are to be sucked alive (whatever that means) before much late in the film. What is the main threat they experience until then?
And finally, allow me to rant about something that I seldom see criticised on this forum: bad syntax. Either reviewers are too worried with not hurting the writer’s feelings or too worried about the plot to be bothered commenting on the syntax. Syntax is super important, though.
Writing loglines (and copywriting in general) is like cutting a diamond. Don’t just throw a dirty rock at us. Refine it. Edit it. Distill it. Give it your best shot.
Or at least read it a couple of times aloud. If you had read your logline one time, you would have realised that you say “house” twice (instead of town). Also, you use the independent clause “the house sucks people alive” after a comma. It should have had its own period. (Have a go with clauses, to get the idea.)
When you write 25–35 words, you are allowed to have zero mistakes.
The opposite shows laziness and disrespect to the readers. And unprofessionalism. “This writer can’t put 2 (literally) sentences together. How can they write 100 pages?” Do you blame anyone saying this?
It is only 25–35 words, but don’t get fooled: it is a lot of work. Don’t feel bad if you spend serious time on them.
You have given us the situation but have not stated who the lead character is, or what’s their goal.
Are they stuck in the house and need to find a way out? Goal: Escape
Are they going to try to exorcize the evil? Goal: Banish the evil
Will they play really loud Justin Bieber music till the evil flees in misery? Goal: Become even worse than the evil
Some good advice by giannisggeorgiou. A logline should be grammatically correct even if it’s posted here as a trial balloon, a rough draft. First impressions matter.
And I particularly recommend the suggestion to read the logline aloud. A logline should literally sound right.