A girl obsessed with UFO’s builds a small device to alert us, when the device goes off during a storm she encounters a strange figure.
EricaSamurai
A girl obsessed with UFO’s builds a small device to alert us, when the device goes off during a storm she encounters a strange figure.
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“If sighting the alien is the inciting incident, what dramatic question, stated in one sentence, does that raise that the rest of the plot will answer ? or at least hint at an answer?”
Hmm, I’m going to have to say, will she survive.? I don’t know if that works, but I’m going to have to re evaluate the script maybe.
If sighting the alien is the inciting incident, what dramatic question, stated in one sentence, does that raise that the rest of the plot will answer — or at least hint at an answer?
The problem with this concept is a lack of a clear and causally connected goal for the main character. The father angle should be dropped, as the alien plot is more interesting.
Seeing the alien can’t be her goal – she achieved it with little obstacle.
Considering the alien plot, what is it she wants after she sees the alien?
I’ve added a link to the script, if that’s not allowed, I understand.? I can’t edit but perhaps the mods will remove the line if need be.
The idea is that the girl believes in UFO?s, builds something and one shows up.? As I said, the short script itself is turning more into a feature type story.? When the alien shows up, she falls and is hurt.? She ends up in the hospital.?? The doctors aren?t sure if she?s going to have any kind of brain damage.? The idea of including more of the ?possible? alien is something I?m fleshing out more as I go into a re write.? But I do want the alien to be part of it.
Now I?m not sure if I need to re write the logline to not lead on like she meets an alien and then surprise the reader that it?s possible?
Anyways, I really appreciate the help from everyone, if you have time a wish to read, here is a link to short script.
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Re the spoiler:
Now, ?the logline reads like a bait and switch. ?It promises one event, an encounter with an alien, but delivers something else. ? Bummer.
Frankly, the promise of an encounter with an alien is more interesting than the relationship with her father.
It’s a short script so you don’t have (space ?or time) to fry multiple fish (issues)??What is the one — and only one — issue you want to “fry”? ?What is the meaning of the encounter? ?The encounter with alien shouldn’t be merely a coincidence, a random event. ?Nothing should be random in a script, particularly in a short script — unless randomness, mere chance, is the point.?
What is your script really, really, really about?
Still can’t seem to edit my post.? Not sure if anyone else is having this issue.
If anyone is interested I can post the link to read the script.? I could really use help constructing this logline.
Well to give away the spoiler/story,? she ends up slipping from a platform during the story after seeing a strange small figure.? she never really gets a good look at it.? Next she?s? in the hospital in a coma, so now for a few pages it?s about the father.? So it?s not really a true shift of the protag, but the father is there dealing with the fact that he?s never around as much as he would like to be due to work.? At this point it?s a short 14 page short script.
A switch of protagonists is a very tricky thing to pull off and should be avoided at all costs. You would best serve your own purpose with one protagonist, one goal and therefore one plot.
Post the ending as at this point I believe there are a few fundamental problems working against this concept, perhaps if we know the whole story we could suggest a solution.
I should add, at the start of the story, she really wants to see a UFO or meet an alien, that’s her want.? So her building the “UFO Detector” is a way for her to accomplish that want.? Now she is only 12, but smart.? Her dad supports her, he just can’t be there all the time even though he wants to be.? Work gets in the way.
Her dream to be an astronaut and her hassles with her dad seem to be backstory. ? What’s the story here and now in the present tense of the plot? ?The trigger event is the manifestation of the “strange figure”, right? ?If it is, what becomes ?her objective goal as a result? ?What is it that she she will either succeed or fail to achieve within?the time frame of the short?
As the others have noted, you need to describe what she does as a result of the alien ship being detected.
I’ll add that you also need to make a decision about which story you, as a writer, want to tell – Girl and father rekindle their relationship or girl does something with an alien.? The two plots are unrelated and trying to cram them into the one story will dilute them both.
Even if the two plots are semi-related i.e the father is the alien or he is the military officer that will take the alien away, you will still need to focus the story on either her relationship with the alien or her father. Subsequently, the logline would reflect this choice in its construction.
This seems to be the setup to the story, the story would be what she does after this, as a result I would begin the logline something like this:
————————————-
“When an Alien shows up on her doorstep, a girl obsessed with UFO’s must help the extraterrestrial (Do this thing)…”
A homemade alien communication device built by an?11 year old budding astronomer activates during a tremendous storm resulting in the appearance of a strange figure the world can’t seem to agree is friend or foe.
“A girl obsessed with UFO?s builds a small device to alert us, when the device goes off during a storm she encounters a strange figure.”
The first part, “A girl obsessed with UFO?s builds a small device to alert us” should be folded in, reduced to one or two words. The inciting incident is when the device fulfills it’s purpose: detecting a UFO.
This logline lacks an objective goal. After she finds out her device works, after the UFO arrives, what does she do? Why her? Seems to me the military or some other government organization would swoop in before she could even get a look.
But anyway, let’s say the UFO lands right in her backyard, or right in front of her, whatever. She meets this figure, not sure if it’s an alien maybe? Does the figure ask for her help? What is it she wants to do?
Anyway, re framing the logline:?After she finds a UFO with a detection device she built, a girl must….
So this is a new short script I’m just finishing, I’m kind of brainstorming the logline right now.? I think it’s weak at the moment but I need something to springboard idea’s off of.? The story is a Family/SciFi.