A god-fearing headmistress explores ungodly means to help an underage student cut off from his toxic parents.
I read your previous logline and this one. As a result, I would say, how the logline should be written depends on what the audience knows and when they know it…
Does the audience know the headmistress helps the kid fake his death? Or is it a big reveal?
If the audience knows from the start the headmistress is helping the kid fake his death then this is good.
If the audience is in the dark about the headmistresses plan, then you are back at square one because a logline never gives away the big reveal.
Agree with Richiev’s comments. I thought the same thing when you posted the revision. Love the direction this goes in but it’s definitely worth keeping the reveal a secret. However, I can’t help but wonder why she doesn’t just go to the authorities. Why does she have to take such extreme methods. With any story you have to make sure that the audience aren’t just sitting there going “can’t they just….?”
You just need an inciting incident really. I would consider losing “god-fearing” and “ungodly means”. It would be better if you gave us something that could suggest her arc. What’s her emotional journey going to be? “Ungodly means” – what does this mean? Without giving away too much is there a better way to say the lengths she’s prepared to go and why.
I think if she’s a headmistress and he’s a student it’s a fair to assume he’s underage so I’m not sure it’s important to include this. Perhaps you could include a characteristic for the student though… he’s a huge part of this story so it might be worth fleshing him out a little.
Hope this helps.
With all due respect to ‘big reveals’, most decision makers are not going to sit back in awe after reading a logline and let an amazing big reveal/twist settle in – they’ll more likely give your logline a cursory glance and move on.
Therefore, you’re better off structuring the logline to fit the widely accepted formula of; event, main character, flaw and goal. This means, the better way to structure this logline would be to describe at the start what the toxic parents are doing in one single significant event that motivates the main character to take action.