A god-fearing headmistress explores ungodly means to help an underage student cut off from his toxic parents.

Penpusher Posted on February 12, 2019 in 01,   Thriller.
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3 Review(s)

I read your previous logline and this one. As a result, I would say, how the logline should be written depends on what the audience knows and when they know it…

Does the audience know the headmistress helps the kid fake his death? Or is it a big reveal?

If the audience knows from the start the headmistress is helping the kid fake his death then this is good.
If the audience is in the dark about the headmistresses plan, then you are back at square one because a logline never gives away the big reveal.

Singularity Answered on February 12, 2019.

Hi!

Thank you for reviewing my logline.

It was meant to be the big reveal at the end. In that case,  I guess my logline doesn’t work. Back to square one, it is.

on February 12, 2019.

I like the concept. Definitely a suspenseful story.

on February 12, 2019.

Thank you!

Have given the existing logline a minor tweak. Could you tell me if this works, both in conveying the plot and in withholding the reveal as well? If it doesn’t, I’ll go back to the drawing board and start afresh.

A god-fearing headmistress explores ungodly means to help an underage student cut off from his toxic parents.

on February 12, 2019.

That is better, but you are still missing the moment when the headmistress discovers the student has toxic parents. The moment that sets the story in motion.

on February 12, 2019.

Ok.

Back the drawing board then.

Thank you!

on February 12, 2019.
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Agree with Richiev’s comments. I thought the same thing when you posted the revision. Love the direction this goes in but it’s definitely worth keeping the reveal a secret. However, I can’t help but wonder why she doesn’t just go to the authorities. Why does she have to take such extreme methods. With any story you have to make sure that the audience aren’t just sitting there going “can’t they just….?”

You just need an inciting incident really. I would consider losing “god-fearing” and “ungodly means”. It would be better if you gave us something that could suggest her arc. What’s her emotional journey going to be? “Ungodly means” – what does this mean? Without giving away too much is there a better way to say the lengths she’s prepared to go and why.

I think if she’s a headmistress and he’s a student it’s a fair to assume he’s underage so I’m not sure it’s important to include this. Perhaps you could include a characteristic for the student though… he’s a huge part of this story so it might be worth fleshing him out a little.

Hope this helps.

Overlord Answered on February 12, 2019.

Hi!

Thank you so much for laying it out in such detail. This definitely helps.

Will rework the logline keeping in mind everything Richiev and you mentioned.

on February 12, 2019.
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With all due respect to ‘big reveals’, most decision makers are not going to sit back in awe after reading a logline and let an amazing big reveal/twist settle in – they’ll more likely give your logline a cursory glance and move on.

Therefore, you’re better off structuring the logline to fit the widely accepted formula of; event, main character, flaw and goal. This means, the better way to structure this logline would be to describe at the start what the toxic parents are doing in one single significant event that motivates the main character to take action.

Singularity Answered on February 13, 2019.

Hi!

Thank you for reviewing my logline. Will take into consideration everything you just mentioned.

on February 13, 2019.
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