A good looking law student's privileged lifestyle is turned upside as he's lured deeper and deeper into the sinister world of Dark Video.
There are a couple things that could improve this logline.
First, you need to explain what Dark Video (the antogonist) is, and what kind of threat is poses to the MC (the stakes). Without an understanding of it, the reader won’t be able to see where the story and as a result is unlikely to be interested in the plight of your protagonist.
Second, you need to state what drove the MC to become lured into this world (the inciting incident). Often this has something to do with a flaw in the MC’s character. You describe him as “good-looking,” but this description doesn’t seem to be directly related to anything in the plot. Perhaps you could find a better descriptive adjective for your MC that would speak to a flaw in his character that causes him to get sucked into this sinister world.
hope this helps
Everything above plus, what is the protagonist’s goal? Is he trying to get out after being sucked in? Is he happy to say goodbye to his old life?
Watch some really crap film and you’ll see the protagonist doesn’t have a real goal. They just drift from one event to another. You want to make sure your logline doesn’t give that impression.
“Internet porn” is much clearer than “Dark Video,” but it’s still not clear from your revised logline what this story is actually ABOUT. The MC looks to have two distinct goals: 1) “to overcome the world of internet porn” and 2) “to save a girl.”
How are these two goals tied together? Is this story about a guy struggling with a sex addiction, a la “Don Jon,” or is the world of internet porn simply an obstacle that gets in the way of his broader goal of saving the girl?
My take from this revised logline is that it’s the former – about a guy with a sex addiction who meets a girl – possibly a girl in the porn industry herself – and saves her from that world, in the process realizing that true intimacy is what he needs all along, hence saving himself from his addiction as well.
I understand you don’t want to reveal what the key twists in the story are, but as dpg said, you need to give the reader some sense of where your story is going in order to hook their interest.
Thank you so much for all the advise. I’ve never truly considering the importance of the log line – I’m definitely get it now.
Okay, so the film starts with a girl being attacked by four guys in a forest. They make her take her clothes off and then leave her naked without physically abusing her in anyway. Our main character (Alistair) arrives to find the naked girl and helps her up – firstly to the police station to report the crime and secondly back to her college dorm.
We assume that he has simply helped the girl, but we later learn that he is part of the attackers (his job being the suave good looking night who helps the girls in distress.)
The attack is recorded and ends up on a site called Dark Video.
Dark video is a website that sells exclusive illicit videos of real people being sexually attacked (snuff films) – it operates on something like silk highway – very exclusive and security conscious.
Groups around the world are picked by Dark Video to send in footage. The only kicker for those who send in videos is that it needs to be proven with a case number, hence Alistair’s job as saviour and to make sure that the attack gets reported. Our group is based in Cape Town South Africa.
The group that Alistair works with, become more sinister. Dark video’s video requirements become more violent. Terri’s video becomes the most popular on the site and clients want it as an exclusive – building the tension that they may want to do more to her in the future.
All the while, Terri seeks solace in Alistair’s arms and their relationship and their closeness becomes a threat to everybody. Does Alistair, a vain self-serving golden boy take the easy way out or save the girl?
Any suggestions would great.
Thanks again for the help.
From whose perspective is this story being told, Alistair’s or Terri’s? In other words, who is the focus of the story?
If the focus is on Terri and the attempt to find her attackers, then she should be the protag in your logline, with her goal being to find the attackers. If the focus is on Alistar and his fellow conspirators, then he should be the protag and the goal should be his desire (albeit conflicted) to make the snuff film.
Based on your synopsis, the main focus seems to be on Alistair, but the fact that you start the story with Terri, not Alistair, and that the reader is kept in the dark about Alistair’s involvement with the conspirators implies that the story is told from Terri’s perspective.
Another big problem with this would be that if the MC is Alistair it would be very hard for the audience to develop empathy for him as a snuff film maker or participator. I personally don’t care what happens to people who make such films why would the audience?
Further more if Alistair is the MC you have not yet established a starting point for the story, what is the inciting incident? Why now do something different to the other films they made?
I think better to turn the MC into being Terry you have more scope to tell her story than Alistair’s.
I also think there is no need to mention the specific name of the website and explain the function of each of the participants. Just describe the group of college students as snuff film makers and this will tell the reader enough about what they do and who they are.
Hope this helps.