A grieving girl gets involved in a dangerous investigation, which leads her back to her mother’s homicide.

    Penpusher Posted on July 19, 2019 in Drama.
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    3 Review(s)

      The logline needs to be more specific and supply concrete answers to two questions required in an industry acceptable logline. (See “Our Formula“):  What is the inciting incident?  What is the protagonist’s objective goal?

      What happens that causes her to get involved in a “dangerous investigation”?  (And what makes the investigation dangerous?)

      I’m guessing her objective goal all along is to solve his mother’s murder.  But I shouldn’t  have to guess. The logline needs to clearly inform me.

      Singularity Answered on July 19, 2019.
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        “When the police pronounce her mother’s death a suicide, a grieving reporter follows a series of clues down an increasingly dark path in order to discover the truth about her mother’s death”

        Singularity Answered on July 19, 2019.
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          Agree with dpg and RichieV’s version gives me a much better idea as to what’s actually going on.

          “girl” – is she 6? or 16? You are reducing the main character to an incredibly broad brush stroke. We can infer that she is young but how young is fundamental to understanding the story. Specificity that is relevant to the story you are trying to tell is key!

          You don’t actually specify that the investigation she gets involved in is her mother’s. It might not be however I struggle to see why a “girl” (with no reason to be looking into an investigation from what I can tell) finds herself in this position without personal interest. If you told us that the investigation involved a killer with the same M.O. as in her mother’s case then I would understand it but as it stands there is no connection so I’m forced to guess – and as dpg pointed out – I shouldn’t have to.

          Ambiguity is where loglines go to die! Be specific. Make sure we understand exactly what’s going on and why. In under 35 words. Loglines aren’t easy!

          Hope this helps.

           

          Summitry Answered on July 22, 2019.

          A 20 year old girl and her grieving father are propelled to a dangerous investigation, as the family company is being targeted after her grandfather and CEO shows up dead.

           

          Do you think it looks better this way? I think it sums up better the essential plot point, but I don’t know if using “grieving father” is a little vague.

           

          Thanks for all the help.

          on July 24, 2019.
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