A grieving mothers accidental killing of a crime boss collides with her estranged fathers underworld debts, reunited they must escape a police hunt across country in an effort to prove their innocence.

“grieving mother” = protagonist
“accidental killing of a crime boss” = inciting incident
“must escape a police hunt across country in an effort to prove their innocence” = main character goal

If this were my logline, I’d ask myself, Why set the scene with a grieving mother? A way to establish strong audience pity, perhaps, but what is she grieving over? As reader, the only clue is maybe she is grieving over her estranged father’s underworld debts, but then, maybe not!

The main villain in this story is the ‘Police’. A villain can be just as important as the hero in a story, so who is this police person? Male/female, old/young? Consider a little character depth to the bad guy, and see what happens!

Take for example the film The Fugitive (1993). Here we have an innocent character, who accidently enters a murder scene of his wife, only to become the lead suspect of a thrilling police chase. Clearly the police are the ‘bad guys’, because they are mistaken about our poor Fugitive and the crime. But Tommy Lee Jones plays such a good ‘bad guy’, that we sit seat edged, wanting to know who will win.

Crime boss, accidental killing, estranged fathers, and underworld debts, may all be too many ingredients. That might simply be replaced by just one good, ‘bad guy’.