A grieving student staying alone on a university campus over the Christmas holidays becomes involved in a brutal fight for his life, after accidentally tuning into a nearby heist using a handheld police scanner.

    Penpusher Posted on July 8, 2019 in Action.
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    4 Review(s)

      How does tuning into a heist on a scanner turn into the lead character getting directly involved?

      Also, What is the lead character’s motivation for getting involved and not letting the police handle it… That might be important to the logline.

      Singularity Answered on July 8, 2019.

      Thanks for the feedback,  all of this is explained in the synopsis, the above is just a logline and does not give the plot away.

      The fact you want to know more means it has served its purpose!

      cheers!

      on July 8, 2019.

      I’m not really asking because I want to know more.

      Your logline is missing two important elements; the inciting incident, and the lead character’s goal, as a result, I am asking questions as a method of trying to help guide you to figuring out what these two elements are and hopefully adding them to the logline.

      Because ultimately adding these two elements will help improve your logline.

       

      on July 8, 2019.
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        A logline is supposed to tell us what is going to happen in the story. It is not a tagline, designed to encourage people to see the film, it’s supposed to give readers a comprehensive understanding of what the plot is – inciting incident, protagonist, goal, stakes.

        As Richiev has pointed out, there is a big gap in your logline. The reader needs to understand what happens that leads to him getting directly involved because that’s actually the inciting incident. Hearing it over the scanner doesn’t mean anything until he does something that means he is now caught up in it.

        The protagonist has accidentally tuned in using a police scanner…. so surely the police are aware of this too? Why are the criminals broadcasting their heist… especially over a frequency that is used by police scanners? Doesn’t make any sense to me. There is simply no reason why this student should have to get involved. Loads of people listen to police scanners too. The thing that connects all these dots is the one thing missing – as Richiev has said.

        If a reader doesn’t get everything they need from a logline, they will never get to the synopsis.

        Why is the fact that he’s grieving relevant? Or the fact that he’s staying alone? Or the fact that it’s Christmas? Or the fact that he’s a student?  All of the components should have some relevance to the story you’re trying to tell. That’s not to say that they don’t – however I’m simply not getting enough information from this logline to understand what that is currently.

        My advice is read the “Our formula” page and understand more about the purpose of a logline then give this another go. Regardless of whether this is a good logline though I think there are story issues that might need addressing first – however I’m only basing that on the information provided in this logline.

        Hope this helps.

        Summitry Answered on July 8, 2019.

        As I have mentioned,  this is just a logline. All the questions you have asked are revealed in the synopsis.

        In two sentences I have given you a pitch for a contained, Christmas heist film.

        I do not want to describe the plot in this, just the key elements, but thanks for the feedback!

        on July 8, 2019.

        As I have stated (and dpg has stated below) a logline is a complete concise statement of the plot. Why will a reader read the synopsis if the logline doesn’t give them the information they need!

        If you don’t want to describe the plot then you will never write a good logline because that’s simply what a logline is!

        I recommend reading people’s feedback carefully and taking it on board if you want to learn how to write good loglines. We’re all here to learn and develop our skills as a community – but that community relies on open and honest feedback that comes from a collective love of writing (and in particular writing loglines) and a desire to see stories evolve into something visual, marketable, and above all exciting!

        on July 9, 2019.
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          A logline should be a concise statement of the plot. Period.  Full stop.

          And  I don’t detect a hook in your logline.  So as it reads, I’m not interested in further details.

          Puzzlement should not be construed as curiosity.

          Just saying.

           

          Singularity Answered on July 8, 2019.
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            Interesting premise

            Penpusher Answered on August 24, 2019.
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