A guilty college student is leveraged by an abuser from his past, who is close with his crush, to choose between her safety or Not being Exposed.
I believe the first job to improve the logline is to be specific about what the student is guilty of. This adds to the stakes, I would believe.
Next, find a more visual/concrete action. I don’t think loglines about just a choice are very strong. Once the choice is made, the action starts, right?
I also think you can just say ‘student’. I don’t see at first sight what the ‘transfer’ adds in terms of dramatic value.
“When a past abuser blackmails him, a reserved student must protect his crush, while keeping the secret about [whatever he is guilty of].”
I know it doesn’t sound quite selling yet, but in terms of structure and clarity I believe it is an improvement.
What do you think?
On a separate note, I noticed that you have posted quite a few more loglines than reviews. The spirit of Logline It is that everyone reviews at least 2 other loglines for each logline posted. This doesn’t have to be an in-depth expert review. Most writers are happy if you just give us your honest opinion and what you believe the chances of success are for the type of story. Thank you.
Thank you for having a look at the site again, and reviewing the work of your fellow writers.