A man raised in space, and taught how to be human by a Russian cyborg chimpanzee, must help Elvis Presley protect his time machine from a jealous alien hell-bent on destroying the galaxy.

Penpusher Posted on February 22, 2017 in 01,   SciFi.

hi solidjim,
that made me smile too – but it also left some questions:

why is the alien jealous? who is he jealous of? why does he want to destroy the galaxy?
what’s the true goal here – to protect a time machine? to defeat an alien save the galaxy?
what’s the inciting incident? what’s happens to our man that calls him to action? – maybe if we knew that we might empathize more with him
how does/can our hero ‘help’ – if this were more specfic I think i’d get a clearer idea as to what’s special about the protagonist/interesting about his transformation

one other thought, you could save some words by cutting out ‘and taught how to be human’  … “A man raised in space by a Russian cyborg chimpanzee…” tells me much the same.

and finally – and this is just a thought … a main raised in space by a Russian cyborg chimpanzee would definitely make an interesting character – but is it a good character for the protagonist.  Is it someone we can empathize and sympathesize with? or are they too weird for that? do you have a clear idea of the transformation they undergo? and is that something that will entice us?

good luck!

on February 22, 2017.
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5 Review(s)

    Hi Jim,

    You got me smiling while reading the logline. But it’s a hell of a lot to take in. Probably too much.

    We know a little backstory about our main character, but nothing about his ‘character’, i.e. psychology.

    First it seems that Elvis’ time machine is the stakes (it needs protection), but that’s immediately undone when it appears that the galaxy is at stake.

    Also, ‘jealous alien’ raises more questions than it answers.

    There is no clear inciting incident/catalyst to the story, either.

    Finally, will we be able to empathise/identify with a man who was “taught how to be human by a Russian cyborg chimpanzee”?

    All in all, I find it rather unwieldy. Can you reign it in, and focus on what is the core of the story?

    Samurai Answered on February 22, 2017.

    Thanks for the review! Below is a quick synopsis. It’s a lot, so that’s why I am struggling with the logline. This is a completed novel, by the way. I am here to get help with my logline for pitching purposes — I appreciate all the help I can get! 

    Ace Tucker swore he would never return to Earth. As a baby he was left on the doorstep of an outer space orphanage by an unknown alien. There was no explanation, no origin story and eighteen years later the nuns of the Galactic Church kicked out the only human they’d ever seen.

    Ace went on to earn a meager living as a cargo hauler and roadie for Mustache Supernova, the greatest rock band in the galaxy. His only contact with Earth was Ivan Chimpanov, a Russian cyborg chimpanzee and collector of humanity’s music, movies and television shows. All that changed the night Ace met Elvis Presley, the very not-dead King of Rock ‘n’ Roll.

    By thwarting an attempt on Elvis’s life Ace is thrown into an intergalactic conspiracy that brings him to Earth in search of a time machine built into Presley’s prized 1959 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz. Now, with the help of a small band of misfits, Ace must stop the Shiny Man, an assassin from Andromeda who seeks to undo history and destroy the Milky Way galaxy itself.

    on February 22, 2017.
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      As Karel said.

      And who is the movie audience for this movie?  (Age the protagonist accordingly  and specify in the logline.)

      Singularity Answered on February 22, 2017.
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        I think you left out the AI system trying to destroy humanity – you certainly cover a lot of ground with sci-fi tropes…

        As Karel wrote, pair it down to an inciting incident and goal, I also suggest focusing on one sci-fi element at a time in the one logline.

        Singularity Answered on February 22, 2017.
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          I’ve left a response on your newest revision of this.

          Mentor Answered on February 26, 2017.
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            The first man  born and raised and raped by an alien on the International Space Station & his lifelong teacher – a psychotic  Soviet Era built  Chimpborg (Cyborg-chimpanzee), are forced to help  Sivle Yelserp, (Elvis Presley in the 5th Dimension)  protect his time machine from a musically challenged, jealous alien hell bent on destroying the Milky Way.

            Samurai Answered on February 28, 2017.
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